The Thomas Crown Affair v White House Down

Monday night I went to help out my Dad cut the hedge, in the evening we watched The Thomas Crown Affair. The 1968 original starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway.

Plot Summary

Steve McQueen masterminds a bank heist in the first 10 minutes, then spends the rest of the film flying his Glider, nobbing Faye Dunaway and mincing about in his Dune Buggy.

So it was D-Day for me on Tuesday. That's right campers, dick-day. I had been putting it off for 34 years but it was finally time for Kojak's money box to lose it's tea cosy. For those still struggling with that, you best put down that salami sandwich, I'm talking adult circumcision. I had already been booked in a week previous and had been told not to eat or drink anything from 10pm the night before. Smash cut to 5pm the next day where I had been locked away in a tiny cubicle with nothing but a padded chair and my Rocky dressing gown, for the best part of 6 hours. A timourous nurse entered and apologized that the surgeon would not have time to see me. I refused his apology and his peace offering (a cheese sandwich) grabbed my foreskin and left. It was only when I left the treatment centre that I realised I was still sporting my Rocky dressing gown. So I made a sheepish return to collect my clothes.

"Sorry again Mr Brooker," said the young apprentice handing me my sweats.

"That's ok Doc," I knew he wasn't a doctor, but it felt sexy saying it."Technically I've been waiting for this day for 34 years, another week ain't gunna hurt."

So yesterday it was all done, and initially I had grave concerns after it was announced that my angry inch was going to be seen to by a student nurse. But when it came time to re-do my dressings, my concerns of it looking anything like Frankensteins Frankfurter were soon discarded. It looks fantastic, thanks for asking.

Anyway, so onto the movie. First of all I had not seen the original. I knew of the title song 'Windmills of your mind' song by some french geezer Legrand. Sting covered it for the Brosnin remake in 1999 incase you were wondering. So Legrand picked up an oscar for this tune and rightly so. However the score for the film itself is fucking deplorable. A mash of comic jazz and horrific distracting bells and whistles that completely undermines any suspense that the director is trying to build. This score also got an oscar, which is even more inconceivable. The director was one of the first to use split screen images and it works brilliantly. Unlike the film itself which McQueen has said is his favourite. I'm sorry Stevey, but you clearly don't know you're Bullitt's from your own butt-hollio. This film was shit and Papillon was your best movie. Though the movie leaves out the part of the book where Henri Charriere (the escaped convict, from which the film is based) escapes to an exotic island, and bangs his way through a carefully selected crop of 12 year old girls. Artistic license I guess. I have included the end sequence from Papillon because it's one of the best. Don't watch if you haven't seen the film in its entirety. 

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 62% (audience)

Peter Meter - 51%

So I'm back from my solo trip to Cineworld where I endured White House Down.

Plot Summary

Jamie Foxx plays the president, Channing Tatum plays John McClane and the two dive through a lot of windows.

Ok for anyone that wants to go to the cinema, but hasn't managed to secure a date or find a friend, here are some canny tips on how to avoid the billy no mates look.

1# When entering the theatre, wave to no one at the back of the room and make your way to the top.

2# Leave a coat on the seat next to yours as if you're reserving it for someone.

3# When the film finishes leave quickly and stay close to a group of people, laugh with them at their jokes and witty reviews of the film.

4# In the car-park make a break for it and don't look back.

This film is about 20 minutes too long and Channing Tatum can't fire a gun without blinking.
The best actor of our generation for firing guns without blinking has got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fires a damn mini gun for more than a minute without blinking. I have included the clip. Channing, get down the firing range, and get some practice in.



Tomato Meter - 50% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 67% (audience)
Peter Meter - 69%

Verdict

If you want to see a good Steve McQueen film with a great soundtrack check out Bullitt with the score by Lalo Schriffin. It's pure sex. A little trivia for you, do you know how Steve McQueen died? He died from cancer, from 'Mesothelioma' a cancer caused from exposure to asbestos. Many believe it was the constant use of flame-retardant driving suits, insulated with asbestos that he always wore when racing that did the damage. 

He said about racing; 'Racing is life, anything before or after is just waiting'.

So WATCH out for any asbestos that might be floating around, and NOT The Thomas Crown Affair OR White House Down.