Sunday 25 October 2015

Spectre (opening title sequence review with spoilers)

Spectre 

(Opening Title Sequence)


Ok so at the Jaguar screening for Spectre, they take all your phones off you at the door, which should be implemented in every cinema. They give you free popcorn, maltesers and fill your glass with bollinger. The lights dim, there's no trailers or adverts. We are straight in, with the MGM lion roar. And guess what, Danny boy has a gun barrel sequence at the start. FINALLY, after the disappointment of the Skyfall entrance with Danny Boy turning up in a corridor out of focus minus the gun barrel, Mendes finally  gets his shit together and gives the public what they want.


And I cry. I raise one clenched fist to the ceiling, hug the stranger next to me, and with my other palm, smudge away a tear. And the barrel sequence from what I saw through a watered spectrum, was well paced. Danny boy had quite a hurried gun barrel walk at the end of Quantum, but now he's truly relaxed as Bond. It's a nice nonchalant stroll and a good swivel then BANG. It doesn't have the menace of a Pierce gun barrel, or the elaborate lunge of a Bob Simmons, but it's confident, no knee wobble like ol Sean, and actually fires straight at the camera unlike ol Roger.


Into the very first scene which is a long continuous sweeping shot that follows Danny Boy and his squeeze through the Day of the Dead parade in Zocalo Square, Mexico. The girl thinks she has landed Bond and is about to get her kit off in the hotel room when Bond whips off his Skeleton cape revealing a mustard Tom Ford suit and tells her 'Back in a minute love' then hops out of the window like the man from Milk Tray. Oh and he's carrying a fucking cannon yeah! So off he pops for a casual walk along the rooftops, which is so cool because he's walking like he's just popping down the Spar for some fairy liquid, but just one loose step and he'll fall to his death. Anyway, he takes out a whole building in a minute and we are introduced to the first gag of the movie. Bond falls through a crumbling building and you begin to think 'Oh no, this is it for Danny Boy, he's a gonna'. But no, he lands on a sofa, rather casually. Which gets a good hearty laugh and just goes to show, Bond as well as being a highly trained badass, does need the gods on his side once in a while.


Bond gets out of the rubble and eyes this rakish fellow in a rather dapper all in white suit called Marco Sciarra. They have a little 'come on then c*nt' Mexican stand off and Bond starts to give chase. Only it's a walking chase scene through a crowded parade because Danny Boy did his knee in during one of the stunts and couldn't run, so Mendes filmed a walking chase scene, which works just as well.


They get to the helicopter, and Sciarra thinks he's got away, but Bond gets in just in time and he starts to kick Sciarras arse, and the poor pilots arse. The helicopter is whizzing around, upside down and all that. Eventually Bond kicks Sciarra off the chopper, not before having the foresight to nick his ring first. Then the chopper is careering downwards into the parade with 9,000 people running for cover, before Danny Boy pulls it up and everyone has a huge sigh of relief. Thank god for Bond they all think! A little reminiscent of the Goldeneye beginning with ol Piercey in the plane.


Overall it was gripping, certainly gets us off to a banger. The scale of the entire set piece and the long single shot, frame by frame beginning is certainly something new and there is genuine tension. It's perhaps too early to give it a rating amongst the pantheon of Bond beginnings. I do like the walk along the rooftops and the fact Bond is being sneaky. For me there wasn't a clever pay off like Bond rolling into a gas station in his fold up fighter plane in Octopussy; 'Fill her up please'. Or the sleek dialogue of Casino Royale when Bond tells Dryden 'I know where you keep your gun.' Although there is a clever little interplay with M and C later on that echoes that, but that's for another day. For me. I still have to say for opening titles, World is Not Enough still tops the lot, closely followed by Casino Royale, Octopussy then TSPWLM. But I've been none to change my mind on these things.




Thursday 8 October 2015

The Martian V Macbeth

THE MARTIAN

Damon - 'Go on then, fuck off and leave me why don't you'.
Matt Damon finds himself marooned on Mars after all his mates fuck off and leave him for dead. They enjoy the life of riley on a rotating gym whilst he's left behind growing potatoes out of his own shit without so much of a volleyball to talk to. 

 This film is a love letter to science. Not my words, but someone elses and I'm sorry I don't know whose. Everything is a love-letter these days, whether it's a love-letter to the sixties or a love letter to shopping. Quit it with the fucking love-letter analogy already. If it really was a love-letter to science, then why have we got a sand storm on MARS? Even NASA said that would never happen, yet are happy to suspend dis-belief.
We should start by saying that Matt Damon is still in ridiculous shape. Even when it's clear that towards the end he's emaciated through not having enough shit-spuds to eat, he's still in better shape than most dudes I know. Someone else who is in good shape is Jessica Chastain. I mean she is undeniably one of the most stunning creatures on the face of the planet and sadly she doesn't float around in the space module in her undies like Sandra Bullock did in Gravity.
Sandra showing Chastain how it's done

 Ok so that's that out of the way. Now first thing I should say is that I felt pretty stupid watching this film. I kept thinking what I would do if I were stranded on Mars with no one around. Well I wouldn't have the intelligence to grow potatoes from shit, create water, perform surgery on myself. I would however nail all the food in a week, beat off about 5 times a day, and maybe make some sandcastles. Possibly from shit. Imagine that, if they somehow send a rescue ship to me a week later, they find me 2 stone heavier, in my refractory period, proudly standing next to a huge shit-castle.

Tomato Meter - 92% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 91% (audience)
Peter Meter - 90%

MACBETH 

A quick bit of trivia, I was supposed to be an extra in this film! I grew a beard for two months ahead of the shoot. Two days before, and after 4 weeks of waking up to my face being velcro'd to my memory foam pillow, I get an email saying my services were not required.  Thanks Star Now Casting agency, go fuck yourself. 


Is that a huge cock I see before me?
I fell asleep during this and let me tell you it was the best god damn nap I've had in years. After an hour of not understanding what the fuck is going on, my mind and body slipped into a beautiful coma. 'It takes awhile to get your ear in', my mate Neil told me on the drive home. It's true, it's like jamming with Steely Dan, trying to figure out the fucking key, the key changes, the time signatures, everything. Finally when you get all that nailed, the songs finished, the shows over, and all you want to do is push the piano off a fucking cliff. Mark Kermode says that Macbeth was the role Michael Fassbender was born to play. He obviously hasn't seen the size of this guys cock in the movie Shame. God gave that man a huge cock, and in the movie Shame the protagonist is a sex-addict with a huge cock. I would say that was the role he was born to play. 

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 70% (audience)
Peter Meter - 19%