The Thomas Crown Affair v White House Down

Monday night I went to help out my Dad cut the hedge, in the evening we watched The Thomas Crown Affair. The 1968 original starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway.

Plot Summary

Steve McQueen masterminds a bank heist in the first 10 minutes, then spends the rest of the film flying his Glider, nobbing Faye Dunaway and mincing about in his Dune Buggy.

So it was D-Day for me on Tuesday. That's right campers, dick-day. I had been putting it off for 34 years but it was finally time for Kojak's money box to lose it's tea cosy. For those still struggling with that, you best put down that salami sandwich, I'm talking adult circumcision. I had already been booked in a week previous and had been told not to eat or drink anything from 10pm the night before. Smash cut to 5pm the next day where I had been locked away in a tiny cubicle with nothing but a padded chair and my Rocky dressing gown, for the best part of 6 hours. A timourous nurse entered and apologized that the surgeon would not have time to see me. I refused his apology and his peace offering (a cheese sandwich) grabbed my foreskin and left. It was only when I left the treatment centre that I realised I was still sporting my Rocky dressing gown. So I made a sheepish return to collect my clothes.

"Sorry again Mr Brooker," said the young apprentice handing me my sweats.

"That's ok Doc," I knew he wasn't a doctor, but it felt sexy saying it."Technically I've been waiting for this day for 34 years, another week ain't gunna hurt."

So yesterday it was all done, and initially I had grave concerns after it was announced that my angry inch was going to be seen to by a student nurse. But when it came time to re-do my dressings, my concerns of it looking anything like Frankensteins Frankfurter were soon discarded. It looks fantastic, thanks for asking.

Anyway, so onto the movie. First of all I had not seen the original. I knew of the title song 'Windmills of your mind' song by some french geezer Legrand. Sting covered it for the Brosnin remake in 1999 incase you were wondering. So Legrand picked up an oscar for this tune and rightly so. However the score for the film itself is fucking deplorable. A mash of comic jazz and horrific distracting bells and whistles that completely undermines any suspense that the director is trying to build. This score also got an oscar, which is even more inconceivable. The director was one of the first to use split screen images and it works brilliantly. Unlike the film itself which McQueen has said is his favourite. I'm sorry Stevey, but you clearly don't know you're Bullitt's from your own butt-hollio. This film was shit and Papillon was your best movie. Though the movie leaves out the part of the book where Henri Charriere (the escaped convict, from which the film is based) escapes to an exotic island, and bangs his way through a carefully selected crop of 12 year old girls. Artistic license I guess. I have included the end sequence from Papillon because it's one of the best. Don't watch if you haven't seen the film in its entirety. 

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 62% (audience)

Peter Meter - 51%

So I'm back from my solo trip to Cineworld where I endured White House Down.

Plot Summary

Jamie Foxx plays the president, Channing Tatum plays John McClane and the two dive through a lot of windows.

Ok for anyone that wants to go to the cinema, but hasn't managed to secure a date or find a friend, here are some canny tips on how to avoid the billy no mates look.

1# When entering the theatre, wave to no one at the back of the room and make your way to the top.

2# Leave a coat on the seat next to yours as if you're reserving it for someone.

3# When the film finishes leave quickly and stay close to a group of people, laugh with them at their jokes and witty reviews of the film.

4# In the car-park make a break for it and don't look back.

This film is about 20 minutes too long and Channing Tatum can't fire a gun without blinking.
The best actor of our generation for firing guns without blinking has got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fires a damn mini gun for more than a minute without blinking. I have included the clip. Channing, get down the firing range, and get some practice in.



Tomato Meter - 50% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 67% (audience)
Peter Meter - 69%

Verdict

If you want to see a good Steve McQueen film with a great soundtrack check out Bullitt with the score by Lalo Schriffin. It's pure sex. A little trivia for you, do you know how Steve McQueen died? He died from cancer, from 'Mesothelioma' a cancer caused from exposure to asbestos. Many believe it was the constant use of flame-retardant driving suits, insulated with asbestos that he always wore when racing that did the damage. 

He said about racing; 'Racing is life, anything before or after is just waiting'.

So WATCH out for any asbestos that might be floating around, and NOT The Thomas Crown Affair OR White House Down. 

Rush v I am Legend

Yesterday I took my brother to the cinema and caught RUSH.

Plot Summary

Ever heard of James Hunt or Niki Lauda? Me neither. But they duke it out on the track during the time when the sex was safe and the racing was dangerous. 

I took a girl out on a date once. Long time ago and I'm not sure if it was even a date, but I picked her up in my crap box and took her to the cinema. Now I've said many times that I drive like the back of my car is on fire. Give me ten minutes in any car and I'll have it on a string. In fact until recently, I would make routine visits to my girlfriends house driving only with my knees. That's right, I'm a prick. But I also drive with a sense of arrival, never sit at a traffic light not knowing it's gone green, never sit in the middle lane doing 70, you get the picture. Anyway there is a scene in this film where Niki Lauda gets in a car and this model tells him to go faster. He refuses but eventually caves and tears up the country side much to the amazement of his now aroused female passenger.

BULLSHIT I say.
When I took that girl out to the cinema all them years ago she called me a maniac for the way I drove and didn't even let me take her home afterwards. I get the fact that women like their men to live on the edge, it sounds sexy. But they don't want to be riding shotgun to any guy with a death-wish.
Apart from that it was probably the best film I've ever seen, I just wish the central characters could have had a pointless wheelchair race like Rowdy Burns and Cole Trickle did in Days of Thunder.


I have included the clip, it even has chase music.

Tomato meter - 97% critics
Tomato meter - 93% audience
Peter meter - 89% 

The day before I stayed around my friend Brendan's house, watched some boxing and caught I Am Legend on the tele.

Plot Summary

Will Smith ties his Alsatian to a treadmill to fight pikey vampire dogs. 

It obviously shits all over The Omega Man which was the original with Charlton 'It's a madhouse' Heston, but not as good as the book I Am Legend, the 1954 science fiction classic by Richard Matheson. (According to my friend Brendan that is, I haven't read it).
You have to suspend disbelief in this film.
You have to believe that a scientist has the DIY skills to install heavy duty pull-down shutters on every window in his house, that he can booby trap the perimeter with explosives, and that he looks like Will Smith.
That aside I did believe that after 1000 days with no human interaction, he lets one woman into his gaff and 10 hours later the fucking thing gets flat lined.

I have included a clip of Will Smith chatting up a mannequin, which is the exact way I approach my women at bars.



Tomato meter - 70% critics
Tomato meter - 69% audience
Peter meter - 75% 

Verdict

I was invited to a poetry reading on a boat this week just gone. I arrived, rocked up to the bar, and spotted a discarded train ticket lying by the Guinness pump. I plucked it from the small pool of ale it was floating in, and asked the barmaid
'Are you ... ' and pointed at the 'SINGLE' as written at the bottom of the ticket. 'No,' she shot back, plucking the ticket from my grasp and swiftly binning it. Admittedly it was a weak opener, but listen up women, extra kudos should be given to guys like me who can improvise with their surroundings. I delivered a line that was exceptionally unique. I was like Jason Bourne taking down bad guys with a rolled up magazine, that's how quick and ballsy that move was.

So now I'm single come WATCH me crash and burn at poetry readings on boats and NOT Rush OR I am Legend.

2 guns v 360

Last night I took my brother to see a late show of 2 Guns at the Cineworld.

Plot Summary

Denzel and Marky Mark team up in this empty calorie buddy cop flick. You want it to be Tango and Cash, but then you could possibly say that about every film. 

I have been drinking quite heavily over the last couple of days. Normally the last place I want to be is in the cinema on a hangover. I get nauseous, anxious, and generally just want to throw up in my popcorn. I once went to see Collateral at the cinema with my first girlfriend on a killer hangover. She paid. I made it past the trailers, caught the first scene where Jason Statham bumps into Cruise and tells him to 'Enjoy LA', then got up and left. I felt like my innards were going to end up in my girlfriends lap.
Do you think Statham would have made a good Batman? He's got the gravel voice and a decent enough chin. Imagine a stubbly Batman with a terrible American accent.

But I survived.
The film was a distraction at best. I felt like the tone was a bit all over the place, I wanted it to be funnier but it chose to go down the stylish route, which is fair enough.

Tomato Meter - 63% critics

Tomato Meter - 74% audience

Peter Meter - 75%

Just now I turned to the iPlayer to watch something equally disposable. Instead I indulged 360.

Plot Summary 

A series of broken relationships dovetail into each other. It didn't at any point remind me of Tango and Cash but I still wanted it to be Tango and Cash.

It's a film that begs the existential question; Why are we here? Are we just a random bunch of atoms bumping into each other, seeking pleasure where we can? Or do each of us have a course of destiny that is entwined with another? How do we earn trust in a relationship and how do we deal the loss of a partner or death of a sibling? 

Fuck me I sound like that chick from Sex in the City.

Anyway this film goes someway in answering those questions. It isn't preachy and just gives you the chance to have a sneaky peak at the lives of others. Anthony Hopkins nails his part and perhaps deserved more screen time.

I enjoyed this, I can't think why more people didn't like it. Maybe because it lacks serious jeopardy until the last 5 minutes.

Tomato Meter - 21% critics

Tomato Meter - 33% audience

Peter Meter - 82%

Verdict

A quick shout out to Tommy Morrison who died earlier this week. He was a fighter that appeared in the Rocky 5 film as Tommy Gunn. He won about 40 fights most of those by knockout. I googled some of his fights earlier this week and there are some great knockdowns. He made Razor Ruddock hit the deck like a puppet that had his strings cut. So WATCH Tommy Morrison beat Razor Ruddock and NOT 2 Guns OR 360.