Guardians of the Galaxy V Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Guardians of the Galaxy

Plot

Rowdy Burns has a magic arrow that he can command with a whistle like One man and his Dog. 

You remember Rowdy Burns from Days of Thunder? He was Tom Cruise's nemesis for the first two thirds of the film and then they bonded over a wheel chair race in a hospital. Then Tom Cruise gets to race Rowdy's replacement in ROWDY'S CAR! What a fantastic plot twist. Anyway it's good to see Rowdy Burns back and he has a good part too. He has quite a cool weapon, some decent make up and can see the funny side in being swindled out of 4 million units.
So the film itself promised a great soundtrack and when 10cc kicks in the first scene with I'm Not in Love, one of the best anti-ballads of all time, I thought we were off to a fucking flyer!!
Unfortunately the soundtrack is just ok and is only bookmarked with goods songs, (ending in a Stevie Wonder number) but I get the feeling everyone is getting carried away with this film.
It's solid, its very aware of itself and has just the right mixture of action and comedy. Not every joke lands, but it can't be faulted for that. It's just a good fun film nothing more. It's being showered in 5 stars by everyone and they're fucking cat but I would never go and endure this again. It's formulaic, it asks you to invest emotionally into a fighting tree, and none of the fight scenes are evenly matched. It's the problem I had with the X-Men films. All the fight scenes look incredible, and on paper look the nuts. (Remember when everyone was wanking over how cool it was to imagine Wolverine going up against a young Magneto, only to find it was over in seconds when Michael Fassbender uses his magnetic telekinesis to bury a charging Hugh Jackman under a fucking bus, or building, or whatever).
So calm down nerds, this is getting fucking way out of hand all this super hero crap.

Ol Rowdy Burns

Tomato Meter - 92% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 96% (audience)
Peter Meter - 85%



Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Plot

Gary Oldman apparently not only hates the Jews, he has a thing against Apes as well. 

A recent interview in Playboy Magazine had Gary Oldman saying 'I think that Mel Gibson had a point you know.' That was followed by an immediate back-pedal apology to the press stating, 'Shit sorry Jews, no offence.' It follows my theory, for what I feel like I have been saying for years now. They are just actors, yet we stick a microphone in front of their face and expect some insightful commentary on modern life, politics, etc. Have you ever heard Brad Pitt in an interview? He's a fucking neanderthal. We all know what Mel Gibsons like and how about the aforementioned Tom Cruise? Lets just leave the thespians alone, let them do their job which is entertaining the shit out of us on the big screen.

Andy Serkis as Caeser

So a lot of sniffy reviews about the new Apes film. Let me start by saying its the best film of the year so far. It gets everything right. Some incredible action sequences, some beautifully crafted suspense and lets you into the Apes plight, which if you've seen the original Heston flick then will result in victory, of course. There's an element of Greek tragedy to this one which I suppose was inevitable with the lead ape played by Andy Serkis, being called Caeser. The bad ape is bad ass, especially when he gets two semi automatics and goes at it on horseback against a fucking tank. I have seen this twice at the movie house now and although its not as balanced as RISE, it still beats the previous 5 from the 70's and the Tim Burton reboot.
My only criticism, which has been said of other film critics as well, is that the women are nowhere in this film. When the final act kicks in all the women disappear. It is a fair criticism, but only a mild one. Personally I didn't affect my enjoyment of the film, but I can appreciate the point. And I am a fucking bloke.

Tomato Meter - 91% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 92% (audience)
Peter Meter - 94% 

Chef v Suckerpunch

CHEF

Plot Summary 

Jon Favreau proves that it doesn't matter how fat you are, if you can make a decent omelette you get to bang not only Sofia Vergara, but Scarlett Johanssen too. 

Arriving early at the Cineworld in Huntingdon, I take a seat in the foyer that lets out an almighty squeak as the compressed air whistles through the plastic upholstery. It was so deafening I assumed it was a deliberate plot device for a prank TV show. I chortle to myself, playing along with the rouse, purposely not looking round because in my own narcissistic bubble, if I were being filmed it would be the coolest thing to do. I know from previous experiences from seeing films with Brendan that we have to buy our tickets and confectionary separately because Brendan deems it too gay for two guys to buy tickets and sweets together. However I took the time to smuggle in some bourbon biscuits, which to my disappointment were soft. 

'Know what the difference between cake and...' Brendan starts.

'Is it that Cakes go hard and Biscuits go soft and cakes go hard which is why Jaffa Cakes are zero rated for the VAT man, because even though they are biscuit based, they have enough characteristics of being a cake, as in they go hard when stale.' 

I feel like a dick for cutting him short and should have allowed him to finish his point before shitting on it. Then the title for the film comes out minus any trailers. 'CHEF'. 

'What the fuck is happening?' I ask Brendan. 'We bought tickets for A Million Ways to Die in the West'. 

Sophia kept me going

So we had walked into the wrong screening, and instead of seeing a witty parady of the western genre by one of the most successful writers of our generation, I watched two hours of Jon Favreau eat sandwichs and then say to his co-star John Leguizamo 'MMMmmm that's good.' Then John Leguizamo would take a bite of the same sandwich and say 'Oh man thats good mmmmmMMMM.' Fucking two hours of that! Now I've been saying for years that I must have missed a meeting at some point where it was announced that Chef's are to have the same social status as rock stars. I have accepted that cooking is now the new art form, but we have taken it to a level beyond reproach and I fear now that it may be too late to un-ring that bell. To prove my point a good chef is so high up in societies most fuckable list that a fat Jon Favreau has Scarlett Johanssen as his mistress and Sophia Vergara as his estranged wife. Two of the hottest females walking on the planet right now wouldn't look twice at a guy that size yet because he can make a cheese sandwich look like something from the Tate gallery, now he is the most desirable guy around. I'm also well aware that I am not the films target audience because I don't cook. I have a steamer that I have been cooking salmon and broccoli with for over a year now. But then I figured, well I don't box professionally either, yet I can quite happily watch endless montages of Sylvester Stallone work out for a Rocky film. Thats because you only get one or two of them in one movie. I can't remember the amount of cooking montages you get in this film but on about the 5th or 6th one I was debating punching my mate Brendan in the face for mistakenly bringing us into the wrong screening. 
On the plus side there was Sophia Vergara and Scarlett Johanssen to look at for the best part of an hour. Robert Downey turns up and has a good five minutes. And there is a scene in texas outside a bar that I played at in the SXSW festival about 5 years ago. I would like to go on about how this film has its heart in the right place but I feel like I must bring the review to an end at some point. 

TOMATO METER (audience 89%)

TOMATO METER (critics 95%)

PETER  METER  - Average Joe 

SUCKERPUNCH

Plot Summary

Fuck knows

I thought my night couldn't get much worse, but then Brendan invited me back to his to watch Suckerpunch.
'I heard that was shit Brend?' 
'Nah its great, plus I have wine.'
'Ok.'

No dodging a gatling gun

Now this film is just bananas and hears why. I accept that anything arthouse is allowed to play fast and loose with the rules of narrative and visual, but when a girl of about 5 foot nothing starts dancing between the bullets of a gatling gun at point blank range, I'm out. There has to be jeopardy, and from that very second I tuned out and thought, not only has Rik Mayall died, but I have seen two howlers, against my will! What a shit day all round.

TOMATO METER (audience 23%) 

TOMATO METER (critics 47%)

PETER METER - Tiny Tim

X-Men Days of Future Past v Edge of Tomorrow

X-Men Days of Future Past

Plot Summary

The goodies and the baddies in the future team up together to fight these machines invented by a midget from the 70's. 

So the saga continues and who really knows where it began or left off. But where Marvel gets it right is that these films are no longer for the comic book nerds that spend their days masturbating to pictures of She-Hulk on the internet. For the ladies you have Hugh Jackman getting his kit off within 10 minutes and you can hardly hear the dialogue from the sound of virgina's opening up like the water tanks on top of the Towering Inferno. For the guys you had January Jones in X-Men Origins strolling around in white lace underwear. In this one their are brief spells of Jennifer Lawrence at her upmost suppleness, Famke Jansen in something low cut, Halle Berry in a leather suit, crikey just thinking about it is enough to give you a nose bleed. 

Plot Hole

There's a great scene when some kid runs around a room super fast and redirects bullets, slaps coppers etc. Then he disappears for the rest of the feature. I'm sorry but why didn't they just take him along, because without wanting to give away spoilers, it all goes tits up in the end and he could have sorted it all out in seconds. By the way there's probably a team of nerds out there waiting to put me right on this, don't write in, I don't actually care.


PETER METER - AVERAGE JOE

Edge of Tomorrow

Plot Summary

Tom Cruise gets sent into battle aliens from the future. Only he dies then wakes up having to live the whole ordeal over and over again. The only way to break the cycle is to be really nice to everyone, including Ned Ryerson. (If you've seen Groundhog day that's a great gag).

I have to say Emily Blunt looks like she is bang into her Yoga. When she teams up with our Tom you see her perform a very elegant position coming from the 'Plank' to the 'Up dog' position. There's some wonderful ariel shots of Big Ben and at one point Tom Cruise even has a pint of ale in an English boozer. It makes me wonder if he really did have a pint or if they just gave him some cold tea in a tanker. That's what they do in Coronation Street you know.

Plot Hole

At one point they land a helicopter right in the middle of Square and Tom Cruise gets debriefed on what's going on. He gets straight off the helicopter and gets put in a car without being accosted once by a homeless person. Now I know we are to suspend disbelief, but are we really supposed to believe that you can walk 20 yards in Trafalgar Square without being asked for change, a cigarette, or to purchase the latest Big Issue? It just doesn't hold water I'm afraid.

PETER METER - BIG JOHNSON

Godzilla V My Cousin Vinny

GODZILLA

One thing you should know before going to see the latest incarnation of Godzilla is that it is completely joyless. At least the 1998 Roland Emmerich version had Jean Reno attempt an Elvis accent to get past security. But what this version has in spades is atmosphere. The effects have inevitably gone up a couple of gears, and the film is at its best when Godzilla is letting rip. Ok but here's the rub and this is where the film falls down for me.

PLOT HOLE

There is a scene where the bus driver wipes away the condensation on his window with the palm of his hand. It completely took me out of the movie. Wiping away condensation with the palm of your hand will only compound the issue as it will leave unsightly smudges once it dries and the grease applied from the skin of your palm will allow it to fog up quicker. You think that a Bus Driver of all people would know the simple science behind wiping condensation away from his window, resorting to his sleeve, a nearby rag or an OAP's handbag.

It would also be remiss of me if I didn't pay notice to how annoying the character Dr Ishiro something or other, played by Ken Watanabe is. He is the Japanese geezer from Inception and Batman Begins. You can't miss him in this as it's not a particularly nuanced performance from our Ken. His main role is to look away from the camera with an expression of surprised constipation. Considering he had been studying Godzilla for 15 years you think he'd be a little bit more insightful in a crisis like this. However when the proverbial fecal matter hits the fan, our Ken is about as useful as nipples on a mannequin.

Jean Reno doing a little funny

TOMATO METER 73% (critics)

TOMATO METER 75% (audience)

PETER METER 78%

MY COUSIN VINNY

Yes a timely review of My Cousin Vinny. I borrowed it off my mate Brendan who collects dead people. Joe Pesci really does have a bit of range doesn't he? He can do a bit of humour in this and the Lethal Weapon series, yet he can scare the bejeezus out of you in films like JFK and Casino. It's light on its feet, it has a couple of throw away gags and it completely comes off the rails at the end. But it was sweet, charming and Marisa Tomei provides some decent eye candy.

TOMATO METER 84% (critics)

TOMATO METER 47% (audience)

PETER METER 73%

VERDICT

Has anyone seen Before the Devil Knows You're Dead? I saw it once years ago and haven't heard anyone mention it since. I remember being completely gripped by it. Especially in the opening minute of the film when Marisa Tomei gets banged by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I have included the clip for your viewing pleasure. And for mine. So WATCH Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and NOT Godzilla OR My Cousin Vinny.

Best opening to a film ever

Anchorman 2 v Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Last night I sat down with my buddy  and watched..

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot summary

Ford, Lucas and Spielberg refuse to leave any money on the table. Unlike Guns and Roses that left an insane amount of money on the table by taking a writing and touring hiatus for the best part of 15 years.  However the team behind the Indiana Jones saga clearly thought 'lets not make the same mistake as the Guns and Roses. Lets rinse this cash cow and pretend its what the fans want.' 

Blanchett, so divisive. 

My buddy Paul and I spent about thirty minutes deciding whether we'd bang Cate Blanchett. HAHAHA Ladies don't get all self righteous, all guys have this existential discussion at some point and yes we know that if Cate Blanchett walked in any room we'd all drop our jaws, get our tiny willy's out and cry. However we never really concluded whether we would or not. So the jury is still out on that hot button topic. As for the film, well it keeps the ridiculous yet fantastically exaggerated snare sound used for when Indiana punches anyone. Honestly that was a highlight for me. There's about 30 minutes of a good film in there which makes it passable, however where it fails is the inclusion of aliens and all that Lucas bollocks. It hasn't got the charm of its predecessors, but it's by no means a failure.

Tomato Meter - 78%
Tomato Meter - 54%
Peter Meter     - 71%

The other week I went to the cinema alone and caught..

Anchorman 2 The Legend Continues

Plot Summary

The octagon under wraps

The band is back together again. The heart of the film is centered around what we really class as news. 

The original was probably one of the best and most quotable comedies since Airplane. However this film isn't as quotable but there are some genuine belly laughs. It is a little sad to go to the cinema alone, especially a comedy. However I employed my usual tactics of remaining close to a tiny group of misfits whilst entering, leaving a coat on the adjacent seat and putting the drink in the far holder, and sliding smoothly into a tight huddle of people on exiting as if trying to give the FBI the slip.

Tomato Meter - 75%
Tomato Meter - 64%
Peter Meter     - 79%


VERDICT

As it is Shirley Bassetts birthday today I thought I would treat you all to a little bit of vintage Bassey. I could have been predictable and gone down the Goldfinger or Diamonds are Forever route, but for any aspiring singers out there, sit down and take note. She really throws the kitchen sink at this and it's just incredible. I have actually seen her sing live and the Royal Albert Hall and it was a privilege. Anyway, take 4 minutes out of your day and WATCH Shirley Bassey hit the high notes, and NOT Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull OR Anchorman 2.

Shout at the Devil v The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

The other night, I scanned the iPlayer and found a film that had one of my favourite actors of all time in. Roger Moore. So I thought I'd give it a bash.

Shout at the Devil 

Still love you Roger.

Plot Summary

Roger Moore embarks on a mission to murder a herd of innocent elephants. He then shacks up with some hispanic looking chick and oh god its all over the place.

If I was to pitch an idea to you that Roger Moore and Ian Holm team up and knock the fuck out of some Germans during the first world war, you'd be salivating from every orifice. What can possibly go wrong? Well you can make it over 2 and a half hours long, you can cast Lee Marvin channeling James Coburn instead of casting James Coburn, and you make Ian Holm a mute. This was baggy and the tone shifted all over the place from jovial punch ups to dead babies. I gave up halfway through, sorry Roger.
I just couldn't take any Moore. Fuck you that is a fair to middling gag.

Tomato Meter - 60% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 33% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 40% 

So last night I took the family to see.. 



The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Plot Summary

Ben Stiller decides to make a cinematic brochure of Greenland, Iceland and the Himalayas. The plot falls down though when the love interest goes onto explain the meaning of Major Tom. No woman on earth would be able to tell you the meaning of a Bowie song. NO WOMAN!

Shark surfing.

Does anyone know if Jim Bowen is alive? That was the hot button topic around the Brooker Christmas table this year. I still haven't bothered to google it. I was so confident that he was alive that I bet £100 with my brother. We didn't shake on it and we were hammered, but still, it would be interesting to know.
Anyway on to the review
It was a real treat for me to take my mum and niece to the cinema, it's an annual experience that is enjoyed every Boxing day. (By the way the 'ann' part of anniversary means annual, as in yearly. So all you kids in relationships that are celebrating your 3 month anniversary, it doesn't exist. There is no such thing because it is not an achievement).

You cannot help but get swept up in the good will in this film. I predicted every turn, not least because I had seen the feature length trailer a dozen times. But just because it was ultimately predictable, didn't make it any less remarkable, and seeing the cogs work so beautifully gave my over active tear ducts a real work out.

Tomato Meter - 47% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 79% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 88%


VERDICT

Jim Bowen is still alive. I just googled him, well that's marvelous news isn't it. Especially as I watched old episodes of Bullseye over Christmas on the Challenge channel. He was on fire back in them days Bowen. He had wonderful one liners. When one contestant said his best friend was a Rooster, Bowen came right back with 'So how big is your cock?' He had great improvisational skills I thought. Here is a little clip of him dealing with an almighty googly from one of the contestants. So WATCH Bowen on Bullseye and NOT Shout at the Devil OR The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Gravity v Rescue Dawn

Friday night

So I have been listening to these Zen podcasts about how to get out of your comfort zone and experience new things. So I went to my sisters BBQ and met a load of new people. I hung around a group of guys and listened to them talk about when best to put winter tires on there 4x4's, and what airports have the best parking facilities. I don't think I spoke for about 15 minutes. Finally my sister called me into the kitchen and asked me to cut up some finger rolls in preparation for the hot dogs. There I was, playing my role as butler when it occurred to me how hilarious it would be to pack one of the finger rolls with my own wiener. I could deliver the tray at groin height and cover the faux-wiener with coleslaw and shredded lettuce and surely hilarity would ensue. So I prepped the dogs and gave the boy a couple of taps to make sure it would sufficiently fill the bun. Just then a small child ran into the kitchen asking me when the hotdogs would be ready. A sudden panic rushed through me and I realized in an instant how this gag could suddenly backfire very quickly. Imagine the headlines this innocent party trick would create should the child unwittingly pick the wrong dog in my game of wiener-roulette. So I dished out the dogs in a grown up manner, listened to a bit more chat about winter tires and left very early. On the way home I passed the cinema and popped into watch Gravity.

An example of Gravity

Plot Summary

Sandra Bullock does multiple backflips and somersaults and then bumps into Bruce Willis stranded on an asteroid. Only kidding.

This movie proves why the Bechdel test is pointless and flawed. For the uninitiated, The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. I think this test is bullshit for a couple of reasons. I don't sit down and watch Beaches and say, 'hey, this film is just a bunch of women sitting around talking about their periods. Where are the guys talking about their winter tires and their allen wrenches?' Clearly some films are targeted for different genders, it doesn't make them sexist. This film doesn't pass the test, and the protagonist of the movie is a woman that is highly driven, educated and happens to be in every scene of the film. So yes, Pulp Fiction fails the Bechdel test, so do all the Star Wars films, but for me this is just one of those things, let the guys have their science fiction flicks and their gentlemen clubs, women join the party if you like but don't go calling us sexist. It's unlady like. I have seen this film twice now and it is a must for 3D.

Tomato Meter - 97% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 87% (audience)
Peter Meter - 96%

Sunday night

I trawled through the iPlayer and found Rescue Dawn.

Plot Summary

Christian Bale gets trapped in a Vietnamese prison and has to sleep next to a guy who shits himself every night. 

Connery playing a Spaniard with a Scottish accent

I haven't heard of this one, what a treat it is for me these days to watch a film I know nothing about with an actor I enjoy watching. I don't want to do any spoilers but there is a fantastic beheading in this film. I was trying to think of films that have wonderful beheadings, of course Demolition Man comes to mind. Highlander is up there but the scene always makes me feel sad because Connery was such a great character in that flick. I want to feel a warm glow in my under belly after a good beheading, not melancholic despair. This has taken a turn for the weird, I better wrap this up.

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics) 
Tomato Meter - 73% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Verdict

In the week I took a midnight drive with someone that I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to the top of Primrose Hill, smoked some cigarettes and played spot the Pedophile. It was magical. So WATCH the view from the top of Primrose Hill and NOT Gravity OR Rescue Dawn.