Chef v Suckerpunch

CHEF

Plot Summary 

Jon Favreau proves that it doesn't matter how fat you are, if you can make a decent omelette you get to bang not only Sofia Vergara, but Scarlett Johanssen too. 

Arriving early at the Cineworld in Huntingdon, I take a seat in the foyer that lets out an almighty squeak as the compressed air whistles through the plastic upholstery. It was so deafening I assumed it was a deliberate plot device for a prank TV show. I chortle to myself, playing along with the rouse, purposely not looking round because in my own narcissistic bubble, if I were being filmed it would be the coolest thing to do. I know from previous experiences from seeing films with Brendan that we have to buy our tickets and confectionary separately because Brendan deems it too gay for two guys to buy tickets and sweets together. However I took the time to smuggle in some bourbon biscuits, which to my disappointment were soft. 

'Know what the difference between cake and...' Brendan starts.

'Is it that Cakes go hard and Biscuits go soft and cakes go hard which is why Jaffa Cakes are zero rated for the VAT man, because even though they are biscuit based, they have enough characteristics of being a cake, as in they go hard when stale.' 

I feel like a dick for cutting him short and should have allowed him to finish his point before shitting on it. Then the title for the film comes out minus any trailers. 'CHEF'. 

'What the fuck is happening?' I ask Brendan. 'We bought tickets for A Million Ways to Die in the West'. 

Sophia kept me going

So we had walked into the wrong screening, and instead of seeing a witty parady of the western genre by one of the most successful writers of our generation, I watched two hours of Jon Favreau eat sandwichs and then say to his co-star John Leguizamo 'MMMmmm that's good.' Then John Leguizamo would take a bite of the same sandwich and say 'Oh man thats good mmmmmMMMM.' Fucking two hours of that! Now I've been saying for years that I must have missed a meeting at some point where it was announced that Chef's are to have the same social status as rock stars. I have accepted that cooking is now the new art form, but we have taken it to a level beyond reproach and I fear now that it may be too late to un-ring that bell. To prove my point a good chef is so high up in societies most fuckable list that a fat Jon Favreau has Scarlett Johanssen as his mistress and Sophia Vergara as his estranged wife. Two of the hottest females walking on the planet right now wouldn't look twice at a guy that size yet because he can make a cheese sandwich look like something from the Tate gallery, now he is the most desirable guy around. I'm also well aware that I am not the films target audience because I don't cook. I have a steamer that I have been cooking salmon and broccoli with for over a year now. But then I figured, well I don't box professionally either, yet I can quite happily watch endless montages of Sylvester Stallone work out for a Rocky film. Thats because you only get one or two of them in one movie. I can't remember the amount of cooking montages you get in this film but on about the 5th or 6th one I was debating punching my mate Brendan in the face for mistakenly bringing us into the wrong screening. 
On the plus side there was Sophia Vergara and Scarlett Johanssen to look at for the best part of an hour. Robert Downey turns up and has a good five minutes. And there is a scene in texas outside a bar that I played at in the SXSW festival about 5 years ago. I would like to go on about how this film has its heart in the right place but I feel like I must bring the review to an end at some point. 

TOMATO METER (audience 89%)

TOMATO METER (critics 95%)

PETER  METER  - Average Joe 

SUCKERPUNCH

Plot Summary

Fuck knows

I thought my night couldn't get much worse, but then Brendan invited me back to his to watch Suckerpunch.
'I heard that was shit Brend?' 
'Nah its great, plus I have wine.'
'Ok.'

No dodging a gatling gun

Now this film is just bananas and hears why. I accept that anything arthouse is allowed to play fast and loose with the rules of narrative and visual, but when a girl of about 5 foot nothing starts dancing between the bullets of a gatling gun at point blank range, I'm out. There has to be jeopardy, and from that very second I tuned out and thought, not only has Rik Mayall died, but I have seen two howlers, against my will! What a shit day all round.

TOMATO METER (audience 23%) 

TOMATO METER (critics 47%)

PETER METER - Tiny Tim