San Andreas (with Spoilers) V Mad Max Fury Road

SAN ANDREAS (with spoilers)

A huge earthquake is about to hit San Andreas, Paul Giamatti tells his assistant to call everyone, not very practical given the time constraints.

I hope you're sitting down for this one, The Golden Gate bridge gets destroyed. The Golden Gate bridge remained unmolested for 100 years of film making and now it gets nailed in every other disaster/action movie. At one point the Rock crashes into a hardware store and has a quick costume change. In a hurry and without looking, he picks a t-shirt off the rail but as luck would have it, its a perfect fit. And when I say perfect, super fucking tight. It's also plain grey and doesn't have a picture of Mickey Mouse or Worlds Best Dad written all over it.

There is also a scene late on where The Rock has to resuscitate his daughter, who is fucking dynamite by the way. After a quick spell of CPR he gives up and resigns himself to the fate that she's a goner. Then after a quick break he gives it another try for luck and hey presto, she magically comes back to live. If you want to look good giving CPR, just take a quick time out halfway through, then really commit yourself to it. All paramedics should practice this because the batting average of bringing people back round increases ten fold. Other films where people take a break halfway through CPR, only to bring them back to life on the second attempt.

Flatliners - Kevin Bacon on Keifer Sutherland in Flatliners.
Avengers Age of Ultron - Hulk on Iron Man.
The Abyss -  Ed Harris fails to bring around Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio with CPR and slaps her round instead. 

Tomato Meter - 48% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 64% (audience)

Peter Meter - 78%

MAD MAX FURY ROAD

The best use of bendy poles since Kevin Bacon pole vaulted off the rocks in Tremors.

You simply wouldn't believe what goes on in this film. Everyone is talking about the bendy poles scene and the meth head strapped to the truck playing guitar riffs during the main chase. But no one is talking about the permanently erect nipples of Zoe Kravitz. Kravitz plays Toast the Knowing, one of the 5 wives who escapes with Furiosa. Her nips must have had their own fluffers, (one for each boob) because they were rock hard in every scene and why no one addresses this in the movie simply beggars belief.

Tomato Meter - 98% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 90% (audience)

Peter Meter - 85%