Black Sea v The Fan

The Black Sea

Summary

Jude Law is a scot on a submarine. We learn through various flashbacks that his wife has left him for another man. My mate Paul said on the ride home 'Yeah what the film didn't tell you is that he was probably a c*nt of a husband'. He has a point, the flashbacks were entirely one sided.

Don't you just love a good Submarine film? Apart from U-571 that claimed the Yanks cracked the Enigma code. I'm sorry, I'm all up for artistic license but I'm not up for distorting historical truths for the sake of convenient narrative. The Black Sea is a grimy flick laden with oily grease and sweat. It will leave you feeling needing a good shower after with some heavy duty swarfega. Or as the greatest Scot of all would say, 'I need a schhower, a schhave, and the feel of a new scchuit.' - Connery, The Rock. The main conflict between Judes team pivots around a few tenuous plot devices that ultimately triggered my inner 'buuuuulshit alarm'. But there were some genuine moments of tension. Jude puts on a great accent and gets super-fucking mad at one point, he's much scarier in Scottish. The writer took a lot of shortcuts in this film and the dialogue certainly lacks the intensity of Crimson Tide (great mutiny clip included) and there is a knowing nod to The Italian Job (Gold on a cliff edge) but any heist film that doesn't tip the hat to The Italian Job,  can quite frankly, fuck off.

Tomato Meter - 81% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 61 (audience)

Peter Meter - 82%

THE FAN

Summary

The mercurial Wesley Snipes joins a new team for a considerable price. He immediately suffers a bit of a goal drought and is marginalized by the fans and his own team mates. He is then suspended for 5 games for a racist tweet. Wait sorry,.. I could be thinking of Balotelli....I am thinking of Balotelli. 

I first saw this in the cinema when I was bunking off college. Which is ironic really because if I spent more time in college and less time watching films like this I may have more important things to do with my time other than type up this kind of nonsense. This film doesn't amount to anything at all. It has no message, the and the last 20 minutes completely derails any of its good intentions. What this film wants to be is Falling Down. I certainly wanted it to be Falling Down. However I love the scene where Deniro takes his kid to the stadium, knocks him over as he goes for a crowd catch, then leaves him behind as he sneaks off for a business meeting. I can see myself doing the exact same thing someday. I have included the opening day scene.

Tomato Meter - 38% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 35% (audience)

Tomato Meter - 52%

VERDICT

Other things I've watched this week are 10 minutes of John Carter (what a mess), The Apprentice, 20 minutes of Man City V Roma. It was great to see the much maligned blag artist Daniel make it through to the interview stage. This is where they really sort the men out from the marines. So WATCH Daniel blag his way through to the final on The Apprentice, and NOT The Black Sea OR The Fan.