An Officer and a Gentleman V First Knight

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

Summary 

Gere decides to join the Navy to get away from his Dad who is played by Tom Hanks's boss in Big. In Big he was a loveable old man who champions Tom Hank's whacky ideas and jumps around on a floor piano. Here he plays a right twat.

Robert Loggia on the right.

He is such a good actor I had to google him to see if he is still alive. Not only is he still alive, he is still working well into his 80's. His name is Robert Loggia and he is a wonderful screen presence and deserves some props.

Now Officer and a Gentleman is effectively a film about a holiday romance. Gere and Gibson get it on knowing they have a 13 week window to cram in as much horizontal jogging as possible. Gere was without doubt one of the most visually striking leading men in his day, (some argue he still is) and in this film he is the best cadet in his class. However his character is flawed because he is a bit of a cold-hearted bastard. He has no respect for his authority and even calls his drill instructor (played by Louis Gossett Jr) a Mother Fucker! Louis Gossett Jr doesn't take too kindly to that and gives Gere a swift round house to the jacobs.

I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO 

Gere does redeem himself when he helps out his team mate make it over the wall in the krypton factor assault course. The films climax is semi poignant now with the recent passing of Joe Cocker as Gere goes to sweep up Debra Winger in the factory to the sound of Where we Belong. It was very moving for me and I bet at the time of this release, there wasn't a dry vagina in the house. As a side note, I have worked in many factories in the course of my life. I've done steel, willow, alcohol, and even cereal bars. Let me tell you something for free, if Richard Gere rocked up to my factory and swept me up in his arms he would get zero protest from me.


Of course he wouldn't make it pass the front door these days without a high vis jacket. Health and Safety bollocks wasn't around in the early 80's apparently.

Pointless IMDB trivia

This script sat on the shelf for 8 years because the Navy didn't back it.

TOMATO METER 81% (critics)

TOMATO METER 81% (audience)

PETER METER 85% 

First Knight

 

Summary

Maid Marian - 'Lancelot is a man who fears nothing and has nothing to lose'. 

King Arthur - 'Lacnssshalot. I can schee you are man who fearssh nothing and hassh nothing to looshe'. 

Me - 'I fucking get it already, he has nowt and fears nowt, lets fucking move on please people'. 

I imagine that Gere in the 80 and 90's must have walked on to every film set and thought, 'Well I'm easily the best looking mother f*cker here.'  That little inner thought must have been on a loop for 20 fucking years. Gere makes no attempt to put on an English accent, and when he is not telling everyone how much of a loner he is, how he fears nothing, and has nothing to lose, he is unashamedly trying to "lance" Connery's misses.

Eventually Lady Guinevere yields to Gere's dreamy ways, and gets busted in the act by Connery. Connery really does only have himself to blame though. He marries a girl 3 times his junior, and invites a Calvin Klein model from a crowd of herberts to be on his round table. Which leads to one of my favourite clips of from the movie. WHYYYYYYY!! (below)

 

The sword play was terrible, the dialogue at times, utterly unforgivable, and had it not been for Connery coming in and showing Gere how to act, this could have been a First Knight to forget. (Thanks). But in truth the set pieces were handled well, it romps along and for some reason or other, I enjoy the shit out of this film.

Pointless IMDB Trivia 

Former James Bond director Terence Young was supposed to direct, but he died during early pre-production. It would have reunited him and James Bond actor Sean Connery after 30 years. Their last movie together was Thunderball.
 

TOMATO METER - 47% (critics)

TOMATO METER - 55% (critics)

PETER METER - 79%

VERDICT

First off a message to Andy the Sandwich man who gave me a DVD to watch and review. I'm sorry I couldn't convince the whole family to watch Bad Boy Bubby as it does involve torture and incest (albeit consensual incest). But its on the list buddy. I have no recommendations for you this week film wise, but I implore you to watch this montage of sexy bits from First Knight below. So WATCH the sexy bits of First Knight and NOT An Officer and a Gentleman OR First Knight.

Black Sea v The Fan

The Black Sea

Summary

Jude Law is a scot on a submarine. We learn through various flashbacks that his wife has left him for another man. My mate Paul said on the ride home 'Yeah what the film didn't tell you is that he was probably a c*nt of a husband'. He has a point, the flashbacks were entirely one sided.

Don't you just love a good Submarine film? Apart from U-571 that claimed the Yanks cracked the Enigma code. I'm sorry, I'm all up for artistic license but I'm not up for distorting historical truths for the sake of convenient narrative. The Black Sea is a grimy flick laden with oily grease and sweat. It will leave you feeling needing a good shower after with some heavy duty swarfega. Or as the greatest Scot of all would say, 'I need a schhower, a schhave, and the feel of a new scchuit.' - Connery, The Rock. The main conflict between Judes team pivots around a few tenuous plot devices that ultimately triggered my inner 'buuuuulshit alarm'. But there were some genuine moments of tension. Jude puts on a great accent and gets super-fucking mad at one point, he's much scarier in Scottish. The writer took a lot of shortcuts in this film and the dialogue certainly lacks the intensity of Crimson Tide (great mutiny clip included) and there is a knowing nod to The Italian Job (Gold on a cliff edge) but any heist film that doesn't tip the hat to The Italian Job,  can quite frankly, fuck off.

Tomato Meter - 81% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 61 (audience)

Peter Meter - 82%

THE FAN

Summary

The mercurial Wesley Snipes joins a new team for a considerable price. He immediately suffers a bit of a goal drought and is marginalized by the fans and his own team mates. He is then suspended for 5 games for a racist tweet. Wait sorry,.. I could be thinking of Balotelli....I am thinking of Balotelli. 

I first saw this in the cinema when I was bunking off college. Which is ironic really because if I spent more time in college and less time watching films like this I may have more important things to do with my time other than type up this kind of nonsense. This film doesn't amount to anything at all. It has no message, the and the last 20 minutes completely derails any of its good intentions. What this film wants to be is Falling Down. I certainly wanted it to be Falling Down. However I love the scene where Deniro takes his kid to the stadium, knocks him over as he goes for a crowd catch, then leaves him behind as he sneaks off for a business meeting. I can see myself doing the exact same thing someday. I have included the opening day scene.

Tomato Meter - 38% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 35% (audience)

Tomato Meter - 52%

VERDICT

Other things I've watched this week are 10 minutes of John Carter (what a mess), The Apprentice, 20 minutes of Man City V Roma. It was great to see the much maligned blag artist Daniel make it through to the interview stage. This is where they really sort the men out from the marines. So WATCH Daniel blag his way through to the final on The Apprentice, and NOT The Black Sea OR The Fan.

The Killing Fields V Interstellar (3rd viewing)

The Killing Fields

Summary

Set during the aftermath of the Vietnam war, a reporter for the Daily Sport goes to Cambodia with a team of topless models. Once there he witnesses the terrible human atrocities committed by Khmer Rouge and discovers quickly that this might not be the best backdrop for the wet t-shirt calendar of 76. 

I realise that this has been said a thousand times before about The Killing Fields, but the leading man Sam Waterstone is absolutely the spitting image of my mate Cenk. Here is a picture of my mate Cenk. 

My mate Cenk

And here is a picture of Sam Waterstone..

Sam Waterstone

UNCANNY.
This film has been hailed as one of the best from the 80's. Beating Full Metal Jacket, Ghostbusters and even Teenwolf in a recent GQ poll. No doubt the film looks stunning and is visceral, but where the film falls down is the 80's soundtrack. It sounds like a child experimenting with the sound effects section on his new casio keyboard. Fucking god-awful it is. If you don't believe me then give this 10 seconds and tell me that Mike Oldfield and the producers didn't have their heads in a bowl of coke at the time.

I don't want to hear the 80's excuse for this mess. Vangelis never had a problem with film scores during that time. Take Bladerunner for example, and the timeless Chariots of Fire theme. All the good cinematography, the performances and action set pieces amount for nothing as Mike Oldfield couldn't help but wipe his 80's testicles all over the bleedin film. I'm so angry at you Mike Oldfield.

Tomato Meter - 92% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 92% (audience)

Peter Meter - 35%

 INTERSTELLAR (3rd Viewing with Spoilers)

Summary

Michael Caine is a right tricky bastard in this. Not only that, he thinks he can solve the problem of gravity. I'm sorry Matt Mahogany, but if you fall for a line like that, then you only have yourself to blame. 

Caine - Bullshitter

A 3rd viewing of this film at the cinema, which puts it up there with Gravity and Dark Knight Rises for most repeat viewings at the picture-house. Luckily this film is so vast and involved that it takes at least 3 watches to wrap your head around some of the films ideas. On this watch I noticed they had lifted a line from Groundhog Day. When the first blyte storm hits the town, Mahogany clocks it in his rear view mirror and says 'Its a Doosy'. Of course that line was coined by Ned Ryerson when Murray sunk his heel in an icy puddle.

 

Tomato Meter - See 2 previous blogs. 

VERDICT

Other things I have watched this week; Homeland, Quantum of Solace, Star Wars; Attack of the Clones, The Apprentice, and Liverpool v Basel. It's a great time of year to buy second hand DVD's from charity shops and watch them whilst wrapping Chrimbo presents. On the list is First Knight, with Richard Gere. It contains some of the best exquisite acting from Sean Connery when he finds out Gere has been slipping his misses one. I have included the clip for your viewing, and aural pleasure. So WATCH Sean Connery losing his shit in First Knight, and NOT The Killing Fields OR Interstellar. 

 

@the_brooker

Get on Up v Interstellar (second viewing with spoilers)

GET ON UP

Summary

Chadwick Boseman plays James Brown in a story about his life. He sheds light on the artist who was known for his womanizing, who combated personal tragedy and over came drug abuse. He was blind as a bat but could always tell how fit the groupies were by feeling their wrists...wait...I might be thinking of Ray...I am thinking of Ray. Look that's only semi-racist. 

Apparently this script had been sitting on the shelf for ten years. James Brown got his hands on it and didn't rate it at all. That's understandable because he is depicted as an egotistical twat in this flick. He reputedly fined his own band for playing bum notes, he beat on his woman, and he swindled the tax man. But like I've been saying for a log time now, if you can sing, and you can dance, then all is forgiven. Case and point, Michael Jackson. Case and point, Chris Brown.

The films theme is mainly centered around his rise to fame and his personal relationship with life time friend and band member Bobby Byrd. It opens up with a great scene where James Brown is interrogating a group of clients with a shotgun asking 'who gone and laid a brick in my toilet'.

Where the film falls down is Dananananana ACKROYD's cartoon esque performance as Brown's manager. I'm a huge fan of Dananananana ACKROYD's, but he is not very good in this. There is Oscar talk for Chadwick however, and although he may get nominated, he won't win because the film is structurally all over the place.

Tomato Meter - 80% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 74% (audience)

Peter Meter - 82% 

Interstellar (second viewing with spoilers)

Summary

Matthew Mahogany is a farmer that knows morse code. I mean come on script writers of the world, lets start thinking this through shall we. 

I have never done a second review before but I saw Interstellar for the second time last night and thought I'd add a few more thoughts. I was emotionally more involved this time around for some reason. Perhaps because I wasn't trying to figure out the science and riddle-ridden dialogue. At one point Mahogany says to his robot counterpart 'Don't you get it Tars, we are thinking 3 dimensionally in their 5 dimensional world.' Fuck the guy who wrote that line. Also I noticed the characters aren't at all rounded and are just their for exposition. Did you give a shit when the beardy man got killed by the giant wave, or the dude got killed by Mat Damon's tricky time bomb?

NOOOOooo.
Also when Mahogany comes back, he doesn't even ask if his son is alive. Not once, and it isn't even mentioned. Also when he is trapped behind the bookcase giving out the morse code for quantum mechanics to Jessica Chastain, why didn't that message read; 'Help I'm behind the fucking bookcase, trapped in a black hole, go get someone. Also has Liverpool won the league since I was away?'

See previous blog for scores. 

VERDICT

My recommended viewing for this week has to be The Apprentice. Its like blinking crack that program and its coming to a head. I'm routing for Daniel because he is easily the biggest blag artist going with no discernible talent whatsoever So WATCH The Apprentice and NOT Get On Up OR Interstellar.