Plot Summary
The guy that cries blood in Casino Royal with Cheese, only has one eye in this, but that doesn't stop him knocking the sh*t out of some Pagans.
I think I may have to stop watching so many films. I have a girlfriend now, surely I should be spending time with her instead of watching a mute tied to a post, gauging semi-naked Christians in swamps. And that's just a Tuesday night out in Ramsey.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anyway if I had to review Valhalla Rising in the style of Top Trumps, it would look something like this.
Atmosphere - 89
Writing - 23
Cinematography - 86
Acting - 89
Plot - 29
Violence - 96
Naps taken during film - 3
Toilet breaks taken - 2
But ultimately nobody knows what this film is about, check the comment boards on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes. But if you're asking for my opinion, it's a super slow, super violent, art-house character study with a subliminal metaphor for how morally redundant it is to kill in the name of Christ. In a nutshell, if you can handle scenes of men climbing mountains in slow motion, then this is for you.
Tomato Meter - 71% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 46% (audience)
Peter Meter - 70%
Thursday I finally got to see Man of Steel at my local picture-house after last weeks misadventure saw me get drunk in a Greek restaurant instead.
Plot Summary
Two Robin Hoods try to father Superman. Both die horribly.
Last Friday I threw on my Terence Stamp 'KNEEL BEFORE ZOD' Tee-shirt and took the 'loner' (my Audi 80) over to Peterborough to pick up my buddy Neil. Together we were going to catch the premiere of Man of Steel over at the Showcase cinema. I parked up on the curb outside Neil's new flat. As I sat there wondering why the new Superman isn't wearing his pants on the outside, bellows of white smoke preceded to pour from the bonnet of my crapbox Audi. Was this the end of the loner? Could it not at least endure one final journey to the most anticipated film of the year? Maybe it's demise was fitting, the worst car on the road dying unceremoniously on a curb in the worst city in Britain.
To compound my misery, I stuck my head inside the hood to inspect the damage and was accosted by a prostitute of no age at all, asking if I would like any 'business'?
She stipulated that I could do what ever I wanted to her for the bargain price of £20.
The engine hissed furious spats of steam and smog between us, engulfing the entire proposition in an arduous fog that prevented me from getting a clear look at the prostitute.
However I gracefully declined and she left me and the loner, marooned together down a red-lit side alley, somewhere deep in the bowels in the seedy borough of Peter.
But moving on to the film itself.
It should be said I have a deep warm affectionate feeling towards the Christopher Reeve Superman's. Reeve's depiction of Clark Kent as a bumbling, inept shell of a man, hasn't been apparent in any incarnation of the Superman franchise since. Dean Cain was too smooth and one dimensional to give the character any kind of candor and Brandon Routh was something of a charisma vacuum.
For me the true brilliance of the Superman character lies in the dealing with the dichotomy of being a super-hero, whilst keeping his true identity a secret to protect the ones he loves.
The first act with a young Clark being morally tutored by his adopted parents, explores this brilliantly.
Unfortunately Cavil isn't really given the chance to express himself in the Kent role, rendering that side of the story redundant.
My buddy Paul argued the point that Superman has to move on from Reeve's portrayal of an ungainly Clark Kent, blundering his artless arse through over two hours of screen time. But the trouble is, that's the Superman I fell in love with. It's like when your girlfriend makes you a perfectly good batch of pancakes and you feel like launching them across the kitchen because it's not how your mum made them when you were 11.
Man of Steel didn't necessarily have big red boots to fill in the eyes of many because Singer's Superman Returns was deemed a mis-step. But it still had some pretty big red pants to fill in the view of this overly nostalgic, slightly rambling bored armchair critic.
Fuck you Man of Steel.
Tomato Meter - 57% (critics)
Tomato meter - 82% (audience)
Peter Meter - 49%
Verdict
It's sad news about James Gandolfini dying this week. Sad news for me in particular as I was looking to buy a box set of The Sopranos, and what's the bet that they've all miraculously doubled in price now. Still he has been in a lot of good films too, including the recent Killing Them Softly as a drunk misanthropic contract killer. So either watch the early Superman films and realize how less is more when it comes to CGI, or WATCH Killing Them Softly, NOT Valhalla Rising OR Man of Steel.
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