MOVIE INFO
In Red Dawn, a city in Washington state awakens to the surreal sight of foreign paratroopers dropping from the sky - shockingly, the U.S. has been invaded and their hometown is the initial target. Quickly and without warning, the citizens find themselves prisoners and their town under enemy occupation. Determined to fight back, a group of young patriots seek refuge in the surrounding woods, training and reorganizing themselves into a guerrilla group of fighters. Taking inspiration from their high school mascot, they call themselves the Wolverines, banding together to protect one another, liberate their town from its captors, and take back their freedom.
A couple of weeks previous I had met a girl on the Dance-floor in a club in Chelmsford. I danced with her badly and slipped her my number on a shopping list I found on the floor before leaving. To my extreme and pleasant surprise she text me the next day and we agreed to hook up. I picked her up in my shitty Audi that I told her was just a courtesy car. (Beth, if by some miracle you are reading this, that was a lie, it was my car and I apologize for everything). We had a pleasant meal at a Thai restaurant in town where I doubled down on some garlic shrimp. Beth had a dish called 'Morning Glory' and I spent the rest of the meal wondering if she was sending subliminal sexual messages. After the feast we caught the late showing of Red Dawn.
The first 15 minutes are pretty solid and my initial thoughts were that this film is just a good old fashioned popcorn fodder flick.
But then it soon descended into chaos and the BULLSHIT alarm went off like a fog horn. Chris Hemsworth starts to train his little band of misfits out in the woods and in a montage lasting about 30 seconds, they morph from scared little college football kids, to bad ass green berets. They practice their weapon training out in the woods, shooting off endless rounds with semi automatics and all the time I'm thinking, hey, shouldn't you be in hiding? Whilst you're at it, why not host an illegal rave and shoot off some flares!
The saving grace for this film was one marine who pops up near the end and reels off all the best lines like; 'That idea is like a shit sandwich without the bread'.
The film itself was shelved for 2 years whilst MGM encountered financial difficulties. In the movie trade this is code for 'we don't want to be seen peddling this shit, can someone else take it off our hands please?'
Film District did pick up the distribution rights and it proved to be an international flop. This despite them changing the original bad guys from Chinese to North Korean so they could maintain an appeal to the lucrative Chinese box office. All this was done in post production and a further million was reportedly spent on digitalizing out flags and symbols.
Good job ass-wipes.
Tomato Meter - 13% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 56% (audience)
Peter Meter - 33%
Over the weekend I had a blow out. After not consuming a drop of alcohol for 75 days (thanks, don't call me a hero) I staged a marathon drinking session that left me a shuddering wreck for the next 2 days. I limped down to Blockbusters, desperately avoiding eye contact with the assistant and rented 4 DVDs, one of them being Taken 2.
MOVIE INFO
Liam Neeson returns as Bryan Mills, the retired CIA agent with a "particular set of skills" who stopped at nothing to save his daughter Kim from kidnappers. When the father of one of the villains Bryan killed swears revenge, and takes Bryan and his wife hostage in Istanbul, Bryan enlists Kim to help them escape. Bryan then employs his unique tactics to get his family to safety and systematically take out the kidnappers, one by one.
I knew the complete disregard for plot and character development would fit the mould for my hangover perfectly. Generally when people tell they liked a film because it allowed them to 'turn their brain off', I instantly judge them, more so their lack of intellect. Especially if I know all they've done all day is flip burgers or beat off to internet porn. Really how many calories are you burning that you need to deactivate your brain when in a movie theatre?
But I had an excuse, I had a hangover. I felt like Taken 2 could be just the tonic with enough mindless action served with the caveat of a super inconceivable story arc to help me through the pain.
It did the trick. The story was so incredulous and even though every scene sounded off a bullshit alarm, I simply didn't care. I was like a retired old man, sitting on a park bench allowing a strangers dog to piss merrily up my leg because I hadn't the energy or will to kick it away.
Infact dare I say, I may have actually enjoyed it.
Tomato Meter - 21% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 55% (audience)
Peter Meter - 60%
A quick plug for my buddies Rob Jones & Alex Greaves whom are playing an acoustic set down the Star & Garter in Chelmsford this Friday night. I will be in attendance and I will be wearing my new Bolongoro Trevor jacket that is made from lambs leather and is worth more than my entire wardrobe combined. And probably yours.
I bought it from Spital Fields market in London and I said to the gay dude behind the desk that I want
'The Punisher'.
"What's that?" He asked.
"An item of clothing I know I'm going to get laid wearing". I quipped.
He handed me the most expensive jacket in the shop. I slid it on and it felt like I was putting on a super hero costume. The heavens parted and a Hans Zimmer choral choir kicked in.
"I'd fuck you in that". Said the gay assistant.
"Who wouldn't?" Said his gay manager stood behind him.
I took it and ran, or rather flew into the night.
So this friday come down and watch ME wearing 'The Punisher', and NOT Red Dawn, OR Taken 2.
@thepeterbrooker
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