Movie Info
The Expendables are back and this time it's personal... Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren),Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) -- with newest members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) aboard -- are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists the Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But when things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed, the Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them.
This film was perfect hangover fodder, watched on a tiny iMac computer with my buddy Neil. It is by far the shittest film I had seen in a long time. The writing is so hacky and the action, all though being all-balls, is pretty dull. I mean to say the writing was shitty would probably be doing shitty writing a dis-service. It is beyond shitty. That said, everything is forgiven because it is fantastically over the top (not as fantastic as Over the Top, the 80's Sly classic about underground Arm Wrestling). When something is over the top, it loses a sense of credulity, and takes me out of the movie. But when something is so fantastically over the top, it becomes laughable, and I will take laughable over lack of credulity any day. Me and my buddy laughed at all the Schwarzenneger moments, especially when he rips through a wall with a digger and barks 'I'm Back', through the fog of his own chewed cigar. I am however getting slightly bored of people saying how cool it would look with Stallone, Schwarzenneger, Willis, Norris, Lungdren all in a line firing bazookas at tanks. It would have looked cool 20 years ago, just like The Rolling Stones would have looked cool gyrating on stage. Remember how cool it did look when Bill Duke gets the mini gun out in Predator? Then one after another Arnie and Carl Weathers, they all join in and mow down the rainforest with their assault rifles. Yes THAT looked cool, thats because THAT was 20 years ago.
TOMATO METER - 66% (critics)
TOMATO METER - 72% (audience)
PETER METER - 61%
Now on to Ted.
Movie Info
Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane brings his boundary-pushing brand of humor to the big screen for the first time as writer, director and voice star of Ted. In the live action/CG-animated comedy, he tells the story of John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg), a grown man who must deal with the cherished teddy bear who came to life as the result of a childhood wish...and has refused to leave his side ever since.
I watched this alone, hungover, and vulnerable.
The night before I started work on a new book chronicalling the shags of my buddy Rob Jones. We teamed up later in the Swan with Boundy and Dan Smith. I left early but the guys came back after, broke in to my flat and recorded a podcast. They wrecked the keyboard to my iMac and left muddy footprints in the garden. I will release the drunken illegal podcast, in it's entirity, at a later date. (www.podomatic.com/thewrongbox)
Anyway the night after, I nursed my wounds with some Hopping Hare ale and watched Ted.
So the film is actually pretty funny. It's lewd all the way through, which may or may not be your thing but if you've seen the trailer or indeed the film poster you should have a decent idea of what you're getting yourself in for. I think it's actually targetted at the early thirties age bracket because of the comedy references to Flash Gordon, Frasier, Airplane and Top Gun. The only downside is that people in their mid thirties should maybe be above this kind of humour by now. Or am I being a prude dick? Probably. By the way the Airplane scene was a misstep.
TOMATO METER - 69% (critics)
TOMATO METER - 80% (audience)
PETER METER - 78%
I was amused by both, but whilst one was over the top without being Over the Top, and the had scenes from Airplane without being Airplane, (98% on Rotton Tomatoes by the way) I would say watch Over the Top and Airplane and NOT Expendables 2 or Ted.
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