Skyfall v How I Spent My Summer Vacation
'Skyfall is where we start' sung Adele in the new Bond song, and indeed SKYFALL is where we start with this new post of Watch This, Not That.
Firstly I found the main song very OK. It fitted slot Adele into slot Bond, but it certainly didn't set my world on fire. Jack White got slated for his Quantum Of Solace theme, but at least it was different and had balls.
Anyway, I had a scary moment leading up to the film itself. I had misplaced my ticket stub between the box office stand and the cinema door, which is a rough distance of anywhere between 10 to 15 yards. I presented my Cineworld card to the manager, pleading my case and situation. He scoured the picture upon the card, then looked at me with piercing disdain.
"That's me with a Muslim beard," I jested in a benign attempt to strike up some banter and hopefully defuse the awkwardness. The picture had been taken in the summer of 2010 at the height of my four month beard. I was now clean shaven, unlike the manager holding the picture, who had a proud beard. I instantly regretted my misplaced racial slur.
Nevertheless he let us through and my Brother was quick to comment on my handling of the awful affair.
"Not very Bond like."
I agreed.
The film started and it we were off. I had waited four long years since the last Bond installment, and I was determined to savour and ingest every Bond note, nuance, and knock back a catering pack of chocolate Revels in the process.
The stunts were crazy-good, the girls; sassy, the scenery was incredibly stylish, sleek, exotic and that's just Javier Bardem's hair!
Javier Bardem delivers a fantastic monologue on his entrance, and will probably go down as one of the best along side Robert Shaw's tale of the Indianapolis in Jaws.
There is certainly similarities to The Dark Knight Rises even though Daniel Craig dismissed that in a recent interview with the BBC.
I cried at the end, and was the last to leave a packed theatre.
It was finally over. All the build up and hype. Like a gorgeous model promising fantastic sex and delivering, Bond had sucked every drop from me and I was exhausted; flaccid, like a wrung towel.
Later that night I nipped to Blockbusters and hired 'HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION'.
A Mel Gibson film about an American convict ordered to serve his time in a Mexican slum.
It was watchable, even though I fell asleep towards the end and dreamt of Bond.
I caught the end of the Gibson flick the next day. It certainly had atmosphere, a charm, and some good ideas.
It's no Beaver mind. That was the last Gibson flick that I watched. It's premise was about a man who had given up his normal mundane life to adopt one of a shitty ventriloquist that spoke only through the medium of a hand puppet which he referred to as 'The Beaver'. That was interesting, novel and deserved a bit more attention than it got.
So seek it out people and watch THE BEAVER and not SKYFALL or HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Monday, 22 October 2012
I Love You Phillip Morris v Cemetery Junction
I Love You Phillip Morris v Cemetery Junction
So have you ever wondered what it would look like on the big screen if Ace Ventura and Rentboy ever got it on? If the answer is YES then I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS is the film for you.
Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor play a couple in this true story based on the life of a con artist/entrepreneur Steven Russell (played by Carrey) about love, life, and prison breaks.
Now I should warn you the first 20 minutes are tough going. There is a plethora of cock-suckery going on between Carrey and McGregor. Now I don't consider myself to be homophobic, but I did have to question why I was struggling internally with this.
Luckily the DVD from the library was damaged so it skipped a couple early scenes. But I was becoming more and more jarred as the relationship grew. So after 25 minutes, round about the time McGregor is seen spitting Carrey's Jizz over the side of a boat, I decided enough was enough and called time on the sorry affair.
At work the next day I ruminated for many hours on whether I had made the right call abandoning the film so early in. Surely there was more to the plot than just cock juggling. How had the film got so critically acclaimed? And had I suddenly become homophobic overnight? Maybe I've been homophobic all my life. What a quandary.
After a hard days work I went to the gym and meditated in the hot tub for twenty minutes, dissecting
every possible facet of the arguement, exploring my feelings towards my own failings on why watching Carrey and McGregor noshing each other off was so tough for me to grasp.
I returned home and decided to watched the film to its conclusion. They say the best thing for a surfer to do after a shark attack is get back in the ocean as soon as possible. That is of course, assuming he or she has survived the attack. So there I was, trembling uncontrollably on the beach of homophobia, about to ride the potentially crippling waves of a cinematic sausage fest.
But luckily, the rest of the films was about prison breaks, and thank god. I had done it.
The prison breaks were by far the most interesting part of this tale, and I reckon the first 20 minutes of relentless blowjobs, handjobs and unpleasant innuendo was just put there to test my fortitude.
The next day I watched CEMETERY JUNCTION, a film by Gervais and Merchant set in the Seventies about a group of guys all intent on escaping their mundane world of 'Cemetery Junction'.
A couple of things to mention;
The lead guy looks like Prince Charming from Shrek, and that took me out of the movie a little bit.
Gervais is barely in it, but that doesn't matter because the film is not a laugh riot.
It is peppered evenly with some good gags, and Ralph Fiennes steals the show as a self centered business man and father to the main girl Felicity Jones, who is fucking incredible looking by the way. I mean a true vision.
Ultimately I was charmed in all the right places.
So I recommend both films for the same reasons. They both tackle the comedy and seriousness aspects of the narrative with an even touch, giving both films a lovely balance. Not easy to do. In fact the best I have seen it done recently is in a cancer film called 50/50 with Joseph Gorden Levitt and Seth Rogan.
So watch 50/50 and not I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS or CEMETERY JUNCTION.
So have you ever wondered what it would look like on the big screen if Ace Ventura and Rentboy ever got it on? If the answer is YES then I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS is the film for you.
Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor play a couple in this true story based on the life of a con artist/entrepreneur Steven Russell (played by Carrey) about love, life, and prison breaks.
Now I should warn you the first 20 minutes are tough going. There is a plethora of cock-suckery going on between Carrey and McGregor. Now I don't consider myself to be homophobic, but I did have to question why I was struggling internally with this.
Luckily the DVD from the library was damaged so it skipped a couple early scenes. But I was becoming more and more jarred as the relationship grew. So after 25 minutes, round about the time McGregor is seen spitting Carrey's Jizz over the side of a boat, I decided enough was enough and called time on the sorry affair.
At work the next day I ruminated for many hours on whether I had made the right call abandoning the film so early in. Surely there was more to the plot than just cock juggling. How had the film got so critically acclaimed? And had I suddenly become homophobic overnight? Maybe I've been homophobic all my life. What a quandary.
After a hard days work I went to the gym and meditated in the hot tub for twenty minutes, dissecting
every possible facet of the arguement, exploring my feelings towards my own failings on why watching Carrey and McGregor noshing each other off was so tough for me to grasp.
I returned home and decided to watched the film to its conclusion. They say the best thing for a surfer to do after a shark attack is get back in the ocean as soon as possible. That is of course, assuming he or she has survived the attack. So there I was, trembling uncontrollably on the beach of homophobia, about to ride the potentially crippling waves of a cinematic sausage fest.
But luckily, the rest of the films was about prison breaks, and thank god. I had done it.
The prison breaks were by far the most interesting part of this tale, and I reckon the first 20 minutes of relentless blowjobs, handjobs and unpleasant innuendo was just put there to test my fortitude.
The next day I watched CEMETERY JUNCTION, a film by Gervais and Merchant set in the Seventies about a group of guys all intent on escaping their mundane world of 'Cemetery Junction'.
A couple of things to mention;
The lead guy looks like Prince Charming from Shrek, and that took me out of the movie a little bit.
Gervais is barely in it, but that doesn't matter because the film is not a laugh riot.
It is peppered evenly with some good gags, and Ralph Fiennes steals the show as a self centered business man and father to the main girl Felicity Jones, who is fucking incredible looking by the way. I mean a true vision.
Ultimately I was charmed in all the right places.
So I recommend both films for the same reasons. They both tackle the comedy and seriousness aspects of the narrative with an even touch, giving both films a lovely balance. Not easy to do. In fact the best I have seen it done recently is in a cancer film called 50/50 with Joseph Gorden Levitt and Seth Rogan.
So watch 50/50 and not I LOVE YOU PHILLIP MORRIS or CEMETERY JUNCTION.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
LOOPER v LOCKOUT
WATCH THIS NOT THAT
This weeks contestants are..
LOOPER (available at the cinema)
v
LOCKOUT (available at Braintree Library)
First up..
LOOPER, with the guy who figured out Batmans true identity in the DARK m.KNIGHT Shyamalan multiple twist endings RETURNS, because as a young orphan he remembered Bruce Wayne arriving at a party with a hooker on each arm. It's just good science people.
That guy is Joseph Gordon Levitt and he plays a young Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis plays an old Bruce Willis in this Sci-Fi, time-traveling action caper.
NOW, many have compared this to the Matrix for its style and invention.
Many are wrong.
The slightly more academic critics will compare this to Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal.
Even they are wrong.
What this film is closer to is From Dusk Til Dawn, and here's why.
Without spoiling either film, there is a distinct similarity in the mashing of genres that both films undertake. In From Dusk Til Dawn, Director Robert Rodriguez fuses an intriguing modern day western with an exploitation B-Movie vampire flick. Looper goes down a similar path, though with more subtlety and without Salma Hayek shoving her foot in Tarantino's mouth during an erotic dance.
Don't worry too much about the laws of time travel. Jeff Daniels is on hand to explain everything with one line of dialogue;
"This whole time traveling business just fries your brain like an egg."
I personally prefer Christopher Lloyd scribbling out lines of alternate reality onto a chalk board to a confused looking Micheal J. Fox, but the lack of exposition does not subtract anything from this film.
I can't remember the last time I was in the cinema constantly thinking, 'oooooh, I like that."
There's a lot of good ideas crammed into this, and it gets quite nasty in places.
As does LOCKOUT
With Guy Pierce. I remember when Guy Pierce was in Neighbours AND Home and Away at the same time. Back then I recalled thinking, 'This guy is in everything'. And he's banging Rebekah Elmaloglou, (she played Sophie Simpson, ...anyone?) It's not fair I cried, I want to bang Rebekah Elmaloglou!!
I digress.
The point is nearly 20 years on and nothing has changed. Guy Pierce is STILL in everything.
Sadly for him he has yet to emulate his earlier roles as the rookie cop in LA Confidential, or even better as the mentally inhibited and permanently forgetful 'Lenny' in Memento. (Another Nolan classic).
In this he plays a quick witted maverick on a rescue mission to a space prison.
I found this film had many layers of bullshit, and get the feeling the script plus plot, was made up during the filming itself. That said, I kind of liked it.
It is shit, but the fun kind of shit. It reminded me of a dog shit I once saw whilst in London. It was upright, almost like a mini gherkin. A complete one-off and almost had to be seen to be believed. I took a picture of it because it was funny looking.
On a side note this film was an idea by Luc Besson. Can I just remind you all that the same guy directed Leon. I miss that guy, where has he gone?
Infact you should all watch LEON by Luc besson and NOT LOOPER, or LOCKOUT.
This weeks contestants are..
LOOPER (available at the cinema)
v
LOCKOUT (available at Braintree Library)
First up..
LOOPER, with the guy who figured out Batmans true identity in the DARK m.KNIGHT Shyamalan multiple twist endings RETURNS, because as a young orphan he remembered Bruce Wayne arriving at a party with a hooker on each arm. It's just good science people.
That guy is Joseph Gordon Levitt and he plays a young Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis plays an old Bruce Willis in this Sci-Fi, time-traveling action caper.
NOW, many have compared this to the Matrix for its style and invention.
Many are wrong.
The slightly more academic critics will compare this to Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal.
Even they are wrong.
What this film is closer to is From Dusk Til Dawn, and here's why.
Without spoiling either film, there is a distinct similarity in the mashing of genres that both films undertake. In From Dusk Til Dawn, Director Robert Rodriguez fuses an intriguing modern day western with an exploitation B-Movie vampire flick. Looper goes down a similar path, though with more subtlety and without Salma Hayek shoving her foot in Tarantino's mouth during an erotic dance.
Don't worry too much about the laws of time travel. Jeff Daniels is on hand to explain everything with one line of dialogue;
"This whole time traveling business just fries your brain like an egg."
I personally prefer Christopher Lloyd scribbling out lines of alternate reality onto a chalk board to a confused looking Micheal J. Fox, but the lack of exposition does not subtract anything from this film.
I can't remember the last time I was in the cinema constantly thinking, 'oooooh, I like that."
There's a lot of good ideas crammed into this, and it gets quite nasty in places.
As does LOCKOUT
With Guy Pierce. I remember when Guy Pierce was in Neighbours AND Home and Away at the same time. Back then I recalled thinking, 'This guy is in everything'. And he's banging Rebekah Elmaloglou, (she played Sophie Simpson, ...anyone?) It's not fair I cried, I want to bang Rebekah Elmaloglou!!
I digress.
The point is nearly 20 years on and nothing has changed. Guy Pierce is STILL in everything.
Sadly for him he has yet to emulate his earlier roles as the rookie cop in LA Confidential, or even better as the mentally inhibited and permanently forgetful 'Lenny' in Memento. (Another Nolan classic).
In this he plays a quick witted maverick on a rescue mission to a space prison.
I found this film had many layers of bullshit, and get the feeling the script plus plot, was made up during the filming itself. That said, I kind of liked it.
It is shit, but the fun kind of shit. It reminded me of a dog shit I once saw whilst in London. It was upright, almost like a mini gherkin. A complete one-off and almost had to be seen to be believed. I took a picture of it because it was funny looking.
On a side note this film was an idea by Luc Besson. Can I just remind you all that the same guy directed Leon. I miss that guy, where has he gone?
Infact you should all watch LEON by Luc besson and NOT LOOPER, or LOCKOUT.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
'THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED' v 'COWBOYS AND ALIENS'
WATCH THIS NOT THAT
The Disappearance of Alice Creed (Available from Braintree Library)
' v
Cowboys and Aliens (Available from Blockbusters)
Well first up is The Disappearance of Alice Creed starring Eddie Marsden and Gemma Arterton. A naked Gemma Arterton handcuffed to a bed and stripped to her underwear.
Now that sounds like good doesn't it?
Infact they should have put that on the poster.
Well it's good in theory (and even better in practice baby) but there is more going on in this film than just my ideal fantasy. There is a crazy-convoluted mysterious love triangle at the heart of this edgy suspenseful flick.
To talk about it to much could potentially ruin it for any would be viewers, but i will say that it is tidy, efficient, crisp and compelling-ish. I enjoyed Eddie Marsden's performance, and would love to see him do more underground movies like this, than say the fantastically underwhelming HANCOCK.
One small sidebar on this. I once did a music video filled entirely with naked ladies posing as instruments. I showed it to my good buddy Bobby Johnson and he had one thing to say...
"It's good, but I can't knock one out to it."
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1tshp_original-cast-what-am-i-supposed-to_music?search_algo=2
Follow the link, judge for yourself.
In a way I get his point, and i can relate it to this film too. Ok Gemma Arterton gets naked and has her dignity stripped, but at no point was I physically stimulated. The tagline for the poster would have been a lie.
NEXT
Cowboys and Aliens
Ok for the last week I've been strung out on antibiotics and nurofen due to an unwelcome gum infection. I wanted something disposable, and thought the aesthetics of Jon Favreau's critically slammed COWBOYS and ALIENS would be just the tonic.
And it was.
It's perfectly forgettable, and I managed to fall asleep, even though the pain from gums was splicing every thought and beat that emanated from my heavily sedated brain.
There is a lovely little relationship between Harrison Ford the veteran cowboy warrior and an Indian boy he has adopted on his travels, I even cried.
Other than that, an exquisite waste of time.
So it's hard to pick a winner between the two, because they both catered to my mood at the time.
But for shits and giggles...
WATCH (my music video, follow the link, set the family filter off) NOT The Disappearance of Alice Creed OR Cowboys and Aliens.
The Disappearance of Alice Creed (Available from Braintree Library)
' v
Cowboys and Aliens (Available from Blockbusters)
Well first up is The Disappearance of Alice Creed starring Eddie Marsden and Gemma Arterton. A naked Gemma Arterton handcuffed to a bed and stripped to her underwear.
Now that sounds like good doesn't it?
Infact they should have put that on the poster.
Well it's good in theory (and even better in practice baby) but there is more going on in this film than just my ideal fantasy. There is a crazy-convoluted mysterious love triangle at the heart of this edgy suspenseful flick.
To talk about it to much could potentially ruin it for any would be viewers, but i will say that it is tidy, efficient, crisp and compelling-ish. I enjoyed Eddie Marsden's performance, and would love to see him do more underground movies like this, than say the fantastically underwhelming HANCOCK.
One small sidebar on this. I once did a music video filled entirely with naked ladies posing as instruments. I showed it to my good buddy Bobby Johnson and he had one thing to say...
"It's good, but I can't knock one out to it."
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1tshp_original-cast-what-am-i-supposed-to_music?search_algo=2
Follow the link, judge for yourself.
In a way I get his point, and i can relate it to this film too. Ok Gemma Arterton gets naked and has her dignity stripped, but at no point was I physically stimulated. The tagline for the poster would have been a lie.
NEXT
Cowboys and Aliens
Ok for the last week I've been strung out on antibiotics and nurofen due to an unwelcome gum infection. I wanted something disposable, and thought the aesthetics of Jon Favreau's critically slammed COWBOYS and ALIENS would be just the tonic.
And it was.
It's perfectly forgettable, and I managed to fall asleep, even though the pain from gums was splicing every thought and beat that emanated from my heavily sedated brain.
There is a lovely little relationship between Harrison Ford the veteran cowboy warrior and an Indian boy he has adopted on his travels, I even cried.
Other than that, an exquisite waste of time.
So it's hard to pick a winner between the two, because they both catered to my mood at the time.
But for shits and giggles...
WATCH (my music video, follow the link, set the family filter off) NOT The Disappearance of Alice Creed OR Cowboys and Aliens.
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