The Martian V Macbeth

THE MARTIAN

Damon - 'Go on then, fuck off and leave me why don't you'.

Matt Damon finds himself marooned on Mars after all his mates fuck off and leave him for dead. They enjoy the life of riley on a rotating gym whilst he's left behind growing potatoes out of his own shit without so much of a volleyball to talk to. 

 This film is a love letter to science. Not my words, but someone elses and I'm sorry I don't know whose. Everything is a love-letter these days, whether it's a love-letter to the sixties or a love letter to shopping. Quit it with the fucking love-letter analogy already. If it really was a love-letter to science, then why have we got a sand storm on MARS? Even NASA said that would never happen, yet are happy to suspend dis-belief.
We should start by saying that Matt Damon is still in ridiculous shape. Even when it's clear that towards the end he's emaciated through not having enough shit-spuds to eat, he's still in better shape than most dudes I know. Someone else who is in good shape is Jessica Chastain. I mean she is undeniably one of the most stunning creatures on the face of the planet and sadly she doesn't float around in the space module in her undies like Sandra Bullock did in Gravity.

Sandra showing Chastain how it's done

 Ok so that's that out of the way. Now first thing I should say is that I felt pretty stupid watching this film. I kept thinking what I would do if I were stranded on Mars with no one around. Well I wouldn't have the intelligence to grow potatoes from shit, create water, perform surgery on myself. I would however nail all the food in a week, beat off about 5 times a day, and maybe make some sandcastles. Possibly from shit. Imagine that, if they somehow send a rescue ship to me a week later, they find me 2 stone heavier, in my refractory period, proudly standing next to a huge shit-castle.

Tomato Meter - 92% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 91% (audience)

Peter Meter - 90%

MACBETH 

A quick bit of trivia, I was supposed to be an extra in this film! I grew a beard for two months ahead of the shoot. Two days before, and after 4 weeks of waking up to my face being velcro'd to my memory foam pillow, I get an email saying my services were not required.  Thanks Star Now Casting agency, go fuck yourself. 

Is that a huge cock I see before me?

I fell asleep during this and let me tell you it was the best god damn nap I've had in years. After an hour of not understanding what the fuck is going on, my mind and body slipped into a beautiful coma. 'It takes awhile to get your ear in', my mate Neil told me on the drive home. It's true, it's like jamming with Steely Dan, trying to figure out the fucking key, the key changes, the time signatures, everything. Finally when you get all that nailed, the songs finished, the shows over, and all you want to do is push the piano off a fucking cliff. Mark Kermode says that Macbeth was the role Michael Fassbender was born to play. He obviously hasn't seen the size of this guys cock in the movie Shame. God gave that man a huge cock, and in the movie Shame the protagonist is a sex-addict with a huge cock. I would say that was the role he was born to play. 

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 70% (audience)
Peter Meter - 19%