Chef v Suckerpunch

CHEF

Plot Summary 

Jon Favreau proves that it doesn't matter how fat you are, if you can make a decent omelette you get to bang not only Sofia Vergara, but Scarlett Johanssen too. 

Arriving early at the Cineworld in Huntingdon, I take a seat in the foyer that lets out an almighty squeak as the compressed air whistles through the plastic upholstery. It was so deafening I assumed it was a deliberate plot device for a prank TV show. I chortle to myself, playing along with the rouse, purposely not looking round because in my own narcissistic bubble, if I were being filmed it would be the coolest thing to do. I know from previous experiences from seeing films with Brendan that we have to buy our tickets and confectionary separately because Brendan deems it too gay for two guys to buy tickets and sweets together. However I took the time to smuggle in some bourbon biscuits, which to my disappointment were soft. 

'Know what the difference between cake and...' Brendan starts.

'Is it that Cakes go hard and Biscuits go soft and cakes go hard which is why Jaffa Cakes are zero rated for the VAT man, because even though they are biscuit based, they have enough characteristics of being a cake, as in they go hard when stale.' 

I feel like a dick for cutting him short and should have allowed him to finish his point before shitting on it. Then the title for the film comes out minus any trailers. 'CHEF'. 

'What the fuck is happening?' I ask Brendan. 'We bought tickets for A Million Ways to Die in the West'. 

Sophia kept me going

So we had walked into the wrong screening, and instead of seeing a witty parady of the western genre by one of the most successful writers of our generation, I watched two hours of Jon Favreau eat sandwichs and then say to his co-star John Leguizamo 'MMMmmm that's good.' Then John Leguizamo would take a bite of the same sandwich and say 'Oh man thats good mmmmmMMMM.' Fucking two hours of that! Now I've been saying for years that I must have missed a meeting at some point where it was announced that Chef's are to have the same social status as rock stars. I have accepted that cooking is now the new art form, but we have taken it to a level beyond reproach and I fear now that it may be too late to un-ring that bell. To prove my point a good chef is so high up in societies most fuckable list that a fat Jon Favreau has Scarlett Johanssen as his mistress and Sophia Vergara as his estranged wife. Two of the hottest females walking on the planet right now wouldn't look twice at a guy that size yet because he can make a cheese sandwich look like something from the Tate gallery, now he is the most desirable guy around. I'm also well aware that I am not the films target audience because I don't cook. I have a steamer that I have been cooking salmon and broccoli with for over a year now. But then I figured, well I don't box professionally either, yet I can quite happily watch endless montages of Sylvester Stallone work out for a Rocky film. Thats because you only get one or two of them in one movie. I can't remember the amount of cooking montages you get in this film but on about the 5th or 6th one I was debating punching my mate Brendan in the face for mistakenly bringing us into the wrong screening. 
On the plus side there was Sophia Vergara and Scarlett Johanssen to look at for the best part of an hour. Robert Downey turns up and has a good five minutes. And there is a scene in texas outside a bar that I played at in the SXSW festival about 5 years ago. I would like to go on about how this film has its heart in the right place but I feel like I must bring the review to an end at some point. 

TOMATO METER (audience 89%)

TOMATO METER (critics 95%)

PETER  METER  - Average Joe 

SUCKERPUNCH

Plot Summary

Fuck knows

I thought my night couldn't get much worse, but then Brendan invited me back to his to watch Suckerpunch.
'I heard that was shit Brend?' 
'Nah its great, plus I have wine.'
'Ok.'

No dodging a gatling gun

Now this film is just bananas and hears why. I accept that anything arthouse is allowed to play fast and loose with the rules of narrative and visual, but when a girl of about 5 foot nothing starts dancing between the bullets of a gatling gun at point blank range, I'm out. There has to be jeopardy, and from that very second I tuned out and thought, not only has Rik Mayall died, but I have seen two howlers, against my will! What a shit day all round.

TOMATO METER (audience 23%) 

TOMATO METER (critics 47%)

PETER METER - Tiny Tim

X-Men Days of Future Past v Edge of Tomorrow

X-Men Days of Future Past

Plot Summary

The goodies and the baddies in the future team up together to fight these machines invented by a midget from the 70's. 

So the saga continues and who really knows where it began or left off. But where Marvel gets it right is that these films are no longer for the comic book nerds that spend their days masturbating to pictures of She-Hulk on the internet. For the ladies you have Hugh Jackman getting his kit off within 10 minutes and you can hardly hear the dialogue from the sound of virgina's opening up like the water tanks on top of the Towering Inferno. For the guys you had January Jones in X-Men Origins strolling around in white lace underwear. In this one their are brief spells of Jennifer Lawrence at her upmost suppleness, Famke Jansen in something low cut, Halle Berry in a leather suit, crikey just thinking about it is enough to give you a nose bleed. 

Plot Hole

There's a great scene when some kid runs around a room super fast and redirects bullets, slaps coppers etc. Then he disappears for the rest of the feature. I'm sorry but why didn't they just take him along, because without wanting to give away spoilers, it all goes tits up in the end and he could have sorted it all out in seconds. By the way there's probably a team of nerds out there waiting to put me right on this, don't write in, I don't actually care.


PETER METER - AVERAGE JOE

Edge of Tomorrow

Plot Summary

Tom Cruise gets sent into battle aliens from the future. Only he dies then wakes up having to live the whole ordeal over and over again. The only way to break the cycle is to be really nice to everyone, including Ned Ryerson. (If you've seen Groundhog day that's a great gag).

I have to say Emily Blunt looks like she is bang into her Yoga. When she teams up with our Tom you see her perform a very elegant position coming from the 'Plank' to the 'Up dog' position. There's some wonderful ariel shots of Big Ben and at one point Tom Cruise even has a pint of ale in an English boozer. It makes me wonder if he really did have a pint or if they just gave him some cold tea in a tanker. That's what they do in Coronation Street you know.

Plot Hole

At one point they land a helicopter right in the middle of Square and Tom Cruise gets debriefed on what's going on. He gets straight off the helicopter and gets put in a car without being accosted once by a homeless person. Now I know we are to suspend disbelief, but are we really supposed to believe that you can walk 20 yards in Trafalgar Square without being asked for change, a cigarette, or to purchase the latest Big Issue? It just doesn't hold water I'm afraid.

PETER METER - BIG JOHNSON