Gravity v Rescue Dawn

Friday night

So I have been listening to these Zen podcasts about how to get out of your comfort zone and experience new things. So I went to my sisters BBQ and met a load of new people. I hung around a group of guys and listened to them talk about when best to put winter tires on there 4x4's, and what airports have the best parking facilities. I don't think I spoke for about 15 minutes. Finally my sister called me into the kitchen and asked me to cut up some finger rolls in preparation for the hot dogs. There I was, playing my role as butler when it occurred to me how hilarious it would be to pack one of the finger rolls with my own wiener. I could deliver the tray at groin height and cover the faux-wiener with coleslaw and shredded lettuce and surely hilarity would ensue. So I prepped the dogs and gave the boy a couple of taps to make sure it would sufficiently fill the bun. Just then a small child ran into the kitchen asking me when the hotdogs would be ready. A sudden panic rushed through me and I realized in an instant how this gag could suddenly backfire very quickly. Imagine the headlines this innocent party trick would create should the child unwittingly pick the wrong dog in my game of wiener-roulette. So I dished out the dogs in a grown up manner, listened to a bit more chat about winter tires and left very early. On the way home I passed the cinema and popped into watch Gravity.

An example of Gravity

Plot Summary

Sandra Bullock does multiple backflips and somersaults and then bumps into Bruce Willis stranded on an asteroid. Only kidding.

This movie proves why the Bechdel test is pointless and flawed. For the uninitiated, The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. I think this test is bullshit for a couple of reasons. I don't sit down and watch Beaches and say, 'hey, this film is just a bunch of women sitting around talking about their periods. Where are the guys talking about their winter tires and their allen wrenches?' Clearly some films are targeted for different genders, it doesn't make them sexist. This film doesn't pass the test, and the protagonist of the movie is a woman that is highly driven, educated and happens to be in every scene of the film. So yes, Pulp Fiction fails the Bechdel test, so do all the Star Wars films, but for me this is just one of those things, let the guys have their science fiction flicks and their gentlemen clubs, women join the party if you like but don't go calling us sexist. It's unlady like. I have seen this film twice now and it is a must for 3D.

Tomato Meter - 97% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 87% (audience)
Peter Meter - 96%

Sunday night

I trawled through the iPlayer and found Rescue Dawn.

Plot Summary

Christian Bale gets trapped in a Vietnamese prison and has to sleep next to a guy who shits himself every night. 

Connery playing a Spaniard with a Scottish accent

I haven't heard of this one, what a treat it is for me these days to watch a film I know nothing about with an actor I enjoy watching. I don't want to do any spoilers but there is a fantastic beheading in this film. I was trying to think of films that have wonderful beheadings, of course Demolition Man comes to mind. Highlander is up there but the scene always makes me feel sad because Connery was such a great character in that flick. I want to feel a warm glow in my under belly after a good beheading, not melancholic despair. This has taken a turn for the weird, I better wrap this up.

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics) 
Tomato Meter - 73% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Verdict

In the week I took a midnight drive with someone that I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to the top of Primrose Hill, smoked some cigarettes and played spot the Pedophile. It was magical. So WATCH the view from the top of Primrose Hill and NOT Gravity OR Rescue Dawn. 

Philomena v Thor: The Dark World

Monday.
I pottered down to the cinema with no idea of what I wanted to see. The options were slim. I chose Thor because I felt like that would be the one which burnt the least calories. I thought the first one was passable, I enjoyed Avengers, but I'm not sure I could really give two shits about a guy with a cape and a wooden mallet.  The guy behind the desk informed me that it was a 3D showing which meant I had to go all the way back to the car and get my glasses which was too much of an ordeal. So I plummed for Philomena.


Plot Summary


Judi Dench gets knocked up and the catholics sell her kid to some yanks. It sounds horrific but she jets off to the States to try and find him with a newspaper covering her expenses. So at least she got a free holiday out of it. 

Dench finally finds her clit

First off it was noticeable that I was the only under 50 in this screening and for the first ten minutes I was half wishing I made the journey back to the motor and got the 3D goggles. Especially as I could hear the bass of the film next door throbbing through the walls. People were getting the CGI feast of seeing a man with a cape disappear into the clouds through bolts of lightning, here I was in a bingo screening watching Judi Dench talk about her clitoris. Anyway it was clear from the off that this film was going to show up some horrible Catholics, which is just cannon fodder for me because I've never got on with them people. I dated a Catholic girl once, went to the church, waited in line for some body of christ cracker bread only to be told that I wasn't allowed any. I was starving, all I wanted was a bit of cracker and they told me to hit the bricks because I wasn't a Catholic. I wasn't anything! If they had given me a cracker then I would have signed up to whatever they were selling. Forget the pedophile priests, this was an outrage! So it doesn't show the Catholics in a good light, which had me onside from the start. It was actually quite moving although I felt something pivotal happened halfway in, and the film was airborne for about 15 minutes with it's legs flapping in the wind. But it landed safely and again as the credits rolled I wished I had the 3D goggles to hide my over active tear ducts.

Tomato Meter - 94% critics
Tomato Meter - 92% audience
Peter Meter - 82%


Wednesday
Well last night I did manage to get to see Thor: The Dark World with my buddy Paul.


Plot Summary

Chris Hemsworth takes his top off at about 15 minutes in. All the women audibly moan in sensual longing, all the guys instantly think they need to hit the gym, my buddy Paul just cries 'Oh for fucks sake'. 

I had forgotten how funny it can be to take my buddy Paul to the cinema. He is one of these guys that loves to give a running commentary and makes no attempt to whisper. My favourite line he gave once in a packed cinema was when Carey Mulligan said to Dicaprio in The Great Gatsby.

"I wish I did everything with you Gatsby." My buddy Paul said without missing a beat;

Even anal?

"Even Anal?"

Had me in stitches.
Just as Thor is hurdling over the Dark Elfs, slaying everything in sight, cape flapping, looking sexy etc. Paul just shouts. "I hope he has a titchy dick."

He even called people 'losers' as they walked back in to see the added scene that Marvel throws on after the credits have rolled.



Ultimately the film was just a bunch of empty calories. It wasn't joyless, I wasn't bored, at no point did I give a crap about anything going on. But then I don't think I ever expected to.

Tomato Meter - 75% critics
Tomato Meter - 86% audience
Peter Meter - 71%


Verdict

Well I've caught up with the latest series of Homeland, which is just all over the place. Incredibly disjointed, and poor old Mike is getting chucked from pillar to post trying to sleep with Brody's wife. I just hope he gets to seal the deal finally because he has certainly put the groundwork in. But I think this can be Mike's season. Lets all get behind Mike on Homeland shall we? So WATCH Mike seal the deal on Homeland and NOT Philomena OR Thor: The Dark World.


@thepeterbrooker