Django Unchained v Carry on Cleo

This week it was my birthday so I took a bunch mates to the local Picturehouse to catch Tarantino's latest Django Unchained.

MOVIE INFO

Set in the South two years before the Civil War, Django Unchained stars Jamie Foxx as Django, a slave whose brutal history with his former owners lands him face-to-face with German-born bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz). Schultz is on the trail of the murderous Brittle brothers, and only Django can lead him to his bounty. Honing vital hunting skills, Django remains focused on one goal: finding and rescuing Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), the wife he lost to the slave trade long ago. Django and Schultz's search ultimately leads them to Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), the proprietor of "Candyland," an infamous plantation. Exploring the compound under false pretenses, Django and Schultz arouse the suspicion of Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson), Candie's trusted house slave. 

After a lovely sit down meal at Aroma there was about 10 or so of us that caught the late night showing on Tuesday. Firstly can I thank everyone that showed up, and secondly can I mention that Rob Jones, stop saying yes to everything, when I book tickets to a film that you RSVP yes to, I expect you to turn up, and on my f*cking birthday. Oh and Jimbo Corkery, when I say I'm going to book tickets, that doesn't mean go ahead and purchase your own ticket you nimrod. I say that with the utmost love and affection for you both.
Now the film itself started with a lovely track by Luis Bacalov which was taken from the original Django film which is a 1966 Italian Western that was so violent that it didn't even get a certificate in Britain till 1993. I know this score of music well because I used it on a podcast I made about a man locked in a toilet. Without wanting to suck my own erection it is probably my finest work, my legacy.
It's 15 minutes long and can be found at this link.

http://thewrongbox.podomatic.com/entry/2012-03-14T13_15_44-07_00

Anyway, so that was slightly jarring. Now Tarantino has had a few misfires of late, personally I doubt he'll ever emulate Pulp Fiction which is probably as near to perfection as you can get from a film. But this for me is up there, better than Kill Bill, Jackie Brown and certainly topping the baggy and over indulgent Deathproof. Because of the genre and the backdrop in which this movie takes place, Tarantino exploits to the fullest the use of gunplay, his affinity with mexican standoffs, and his obsession with the N word. I think Tarantino handles the subject matter well as it sheds light on perhaps how little we know about the human rights towards the black community at that time. That said though I hear many critics are up in arms about how certain barbaric scenes of violence is only focused on the slaves and glossed over more so when whitey is trying to kill each other. You will have to make your own minds up on that one.
This film is a lot funnier than I expected it to be. It's definitely the funniest thing Tarantino has done, and Samuel L Jackson really does steal the show for the last half hour of the film.
Now for you gamblers out there its worth noting that Christopher Waltz is nominated for best supporting actor and SHOULD win this, even though I haven't seen Lincoln yet and I hear Tommy Lee Jones is the bookies favourite. Waltz was 25-1 with most bookies, way off the pack, and then he went and won the Golden Globe award and now those odds have shortened to 15-1. And even though the Globes are no longer a shoe in for the Oscars, Waltz is still well worth a punt. I mean he put in nearly 3 hours of pure dialogue. Alan Arkin was on screen for 18 minutes in Argo, come on. The one thing I would say is that will Hollywood, in this current climate, endorse such a film that has gun violence at its core? My answer, probably not.

Best bit - The clan scene when they are complaining about their masks
Worst bit - The Tarantino cameo

Tomato Meter - 88% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 94% (audience)
Peter Meter - 89%

Now moving on, later in the week I sat through Carry on Cleo which readily available on DVD pretty much anywhere.

MOVIE INFO

The multi-million dollar film extravaganza Cleopatra was too convenient a target for Britain's "Carry On" funsters to ignore. The plot of Carry On Cleo, if one can discern a plot amidst the sight gags and outrageous puns, involves the attempts by a bungling slave (Kenneth Connor) to rescue Julius Caesar (Kenneth Williams) from assassination. Instigators of the plot are Cleopatra (Amanda Barrie) and Mark Anthony (Sidney James), who comport themselves like a couple of Liverpool pub owners. The best bit involves Mark Anthony's "beheading" of the legendary asp. Filmed on a tight 160,000 pound budget and utilizing leftover sets from the Taylor/Burton epic, Carry On Cleo's reputation rests chiefly on a legal brouhaha involving its advertising artwork, which was deliberately patterned after the ads for the "real" Cleopatra.

This is the 3rd film I've seen on Cleopatra now as a study for my online degree. I never got on with Carry on films as a kid, bit too much 'where's me wash board' element of humour about it for me. But I did actually find myself laughing out loud on quite a few occasions. It heralds the famous line INFAMY INFAMY, THEY ALL HAVE IT INFAMY! Screamed of course by Kenneth Williams playing the role of Ceaser, which is the best thing about this flick. I think I might invest in more Carry on films now because the sounds that emanate from Sid James and Kenneth Williams when they are seen oogling near naked ladies is hilarious.

Best bit - When Kenneth Williams is told there is a rumbling in the republic to which he replies, 'What do you expect with all that spaghetti they eat?'
Worst bit - Probably the bike with square wheels scene.

Tomato Meter - no score (critics)
Tomato Meter - 36% (audience)
Peter Meter - 52%


I haven't had the chance to watch much else this week, apart from Africa and bits and bobs of Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. But I would recommend a nature documentary, Land of the Lost Tiger on the iPlayer. It's not as good as Africa but I feel it could do with a bit more press because at this rate the Tigers will be extinct quicker than the Attenboroughs. So watch LAND OF THE LOST TIGER and NOT DJANGO UNCHAINED OR CARRY ON CLEO.

Gangster Squad v The Impossible

Last Monday, I enjoyed a trip to Cineworld with Boundy and Steve Rolls to catch a late showing of Gangster Squad.

MOVIE INFO

Los Angeles, 1949. Ruthless, Brooklyn-born mob king Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) runs the show in this town, reaping the ill-gotten gains from the drugs, the guns, the prostitutes and-if he has his way-every wire bet placed west of Chicago. And he does it all with the protection of not only his own paid goons, but also the police and the politicians who are under his control. It's enough to intimidate even the bravest, street-hardened cop...except, perhaps, for the small, secret crew of LAPD outsiders led by Sgt. John O'Mara (Josh Brolin) and Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling), who come together to try to tear Cohen's world apart.

I have heard a theory that if you throw enough shit at a wall then something will stick. Though I'm pretty sure shit would do nothing but stick to a wall. I mean what is the alternative? If you pack a slingshot full of fudge and snap it at your garage door, is it really going to ricochet back into your nutsack?
I digress.
But I did get the feeling this is what the casting director was trying to achieve in this film by getting such heavy hitters to play walk on parts.
Nick Nolte turns up, does nothing.
Robert Patrick turns up, does nothing.
Michael Pena (End of Watch guy) does nothing.
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) does nothing.
Giovanni Ribisi (Every fu*king movie) does nothing.

Sean Penn is almost playing a caricature of what he thinks a 50's mob boss would sound like and is not scary or intimidating. The opening scene is Sean Penn torturing a guy by having him drawn between two cars. Now compare that to Joe Pesci who is one of the scariest gangster thats ever turned up in a gangster flick, and he can invoke more fear in an audience by just asking Ray Liotta repeatedly "What's so funny about me?"

Emma Stone is super cute and this is the second film I've seen Ryan Gosling tongue her in. Getting bored of that.
In its defence, the films failure to invest any time in its characters means it gets to tick along at quite a pace. So plenty of gunplay and punches to the face. Oh the gunplay isn't bad actually, can't go wrong with a bad guy holding two Tommy guns.

But with every passing film like this you get to appreciate films like The Untouchables. Which is a masterpiece compared to this. You remember when the accountant gets shot in the lift? (don't bug me with spoiler comments, the film is 25 years old) That scene was heartbreaking. Something similar happens to a character in this (you'll know what I mean when you get to it) and my over active tear ducts barely flinched.

Worst bit - Someone throwing a cop badge into a body of water.
Best bit - The music when Gosling went looking to kill Penn in the nightclub.

Tomato Meter - 33% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 66% (audience)
Peter Meter - 58%

Hey everyone it is snowing, the roads are chaos! But that didn't stop me and my buddy Rory from doing the Braintree drift down to the local Cineworld to see The Impossible.

MOVIE INFO

Maria, Henry and their three sons begin their winter vacation in Thailand, looking forward to a few days in tropical paradise. But on the morning of December 26th, as the family relaxes around the pool after their Christmas festivities the night before, a terrifying roar rises up from the center of the earth. As Maria freezes in fear, a huge wall of black water races across the hotel grounds toward her.

This film is horribly brilliant. A bit like 127 Hours where that guy has to cut his own arm off. You are completely gripped when watching it, but it's not a film you'll enjoy watching, or maybe ever want to watch again.
The overactive tear ducts were put under a relentless assault, and I buckled many times.
Ewan Mcgregor actually does some acting which is refreshing.
The true story in this film, is what other human beings do to each other when dealing with such disaster. There are marvelous scenes of people coming together helping strangers. Conquering language barriers and going above and beyond the call of duty to help their fellow man. Then you get to compare those stories with people that aren't so forthcoming with their generosity. And it's all in the name of survival.

Anyway I think people need to see this film regardless of whether they think they might enjoy it or not.

Worst bit - The guy deciding to sit infront of me in an empty theatre meaning I couldn't put my feet over the edge of the chair.
Best bit - Ewan McGregor phoning home in the airport.

Tomato Meter - 81% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 85% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%


I tell you what else I sat through this weekend; CLEOPATRA. Of course it was research for my degree. (Did I mention I'm doing a degree?) Now this film is just under 4 hours long, but it was beautiful. Liz Taylor is utterly stunning in this, what a perfect temptress. And I have never seen Richard Burton in a film before and he shouts more dialogue than Pacino. Oh and Q from the Bond film turns up in one scene, what more could you want from a movie? I got to do a 500 word essay on the film so won't go into it but recommend you watch CLEOPATRA and not GANGSTER SQUAD or THE IMPOSSIBLE.

Mrs Brown v Les Miserable

This week I watched Les Miserable with my therapist at the local Cineworld.

MOVIE INFO

Set against the backdrop of 19th-century France, Les Misérables tells an enthralling story of broken dreams and unrequited love, passion, sacrifice and redemption-a timeless testament to the survival of the human spirit. Jackman plays ex-prisoner Jean Valjean, hunted for decades by the ruthless policeman Javert (Crowe) after he breaks parole. When Valjean agrees to care for factory worker Fantine's (Hathaway) young daughter, Cosette, their lives change forever. In December 2012, the world's longest-running musical brings its power to the big screen in Tom Hooper's sweeping and spectacular interpretation of Victor Hugo's epic tale

My therapist Tamara is leaving for Thailand today, so I decided to take her to the cinema as a goodbye gift. Well actually I gave her a copy of my book, some recreational drugs and a bottle of vino as a goodbye gift, but at least this got me out of the flat. 

LES MISERABLE by the way if you want to sound cultured and sexy you don't say the LE bit in  MISERAB-LE. I know you might think you'll come across as a pretentious prick at the box office but if you're trying to look sophisticated then this is a point worth remembering. First off I should say I'm not a fan of musicals. It completely takes me out of the movie when you're watching a film then out of nowhere some muppet breaks out in song and everyone joins in. I will give a pass to the original Annie (being remade with Willow Smith I hear, unfortunately) because I grew up with that film and Punjab kicked ass! But I saw Mammia with my then girlfriend and by jove, Waterloo'd of shit.
So this film needed to impress the socks off me. Firstly you have to get past the fact that Russell Crowe sings. He isn't great but his presence on the screen is always welcome. Hugh Jackman is my tip for Best Male Oscar this year, though the deserved winner should be Joaquin Phoenix for his role in The Master. My favourite film of last year.

This film overwhelmed me at several stages and is a lot to take in all at once. The Anne Hathaway scene is breathtaking and I still fancied her with the diesel dyke haircut and missing teeth. The woman can do no wrong I tell you! She will win best actress hands down. If I had to fault the film I'd say it could have ended sooner, there was a added 10-15 minutes that I could have done without.

Also look out for Samantha Banks, she is not only hot shit but the best singer in this film. And Eddie Redmayne has some pipes on him too. You might recognize him from My week with Marilyn. He's the one that has a fixed expression like he is just got a wiff of his own fart and is trying to do the fart math in his head as to what meal lead to the stench.

Tomato Meter - 70% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 84% (audience)
Peter Meter -     79%


Earlier in the week I had some spare time so I decided to watch Mrs Brown on the iPlayer.

MOVIE INFO

The ruler of England discovers the value of common friendship in this historical drama. After the death of her husband Prince Albert, Queen Victoria (Judi Dench) is despondent, and she remains in mourning for two years after Albert's passing. When one of her servants suggests that a daily ride on horseback might be a tonic for the Queen's health and spirits, a Scotsman named John Brown (Billy Connolly) is hired as her guide and groom. At first, the Queen shows no interest in riding, though Brown readies a horse for her each day; finally, after several days, Mr. Brown speaks frankly to the Queen, announcing, "Honest to God, I never thought I'd see you in such a state!" While her court is shocked, the Queen is refreshed that someone would speak to her so directly. Soon the Queen is riding with Mr. Brown every morning, and she discovers him to be a friend and confidante who will speak to her as a person and not as a potentate. However, many are shocked by their relationship, believing that the commoner Mr. Brown is using his friendship for political advantage -- or worse, that he's become her love.

Infact I watched this in about 3 sittings so it does prove a watchable flick and I obviously cared for the characters. This is the best thing I've seen Billy Connolly do, not being a huge fan of his stand up. Also if you want to see Gerard Butler in a film without a machine gun or shouting 90% of his dialogue, then you might be interested in seeing him in this. I got to say not a lot happens, and it ends with a bit of a whimper. I imagine everyone won oscars for this because it is one for thespians and critics alike. But your average Joe may wish this film had a rocket up its ass at times. 

Tomato Meter - 94% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 75% (audience)

Tomato Meter - 68%

I haven't watched anything else this week as I'm busy writing another book about shagging aswel as studying for a grade 8 piano exam aswel as starting my online degree. But last night I went clubbing for the first time in a year as my buddy Rob Jones had some VIP tickets to a Evoke in Chelmsford. The best part of the night was at midnight where they turn all the ceiling chandeliers to the sound of some banging dubstep. Not my usual bag but I rather enjoyed it. So WATCH the lighting display down Evoke in Chelmsford and NOT Mrs Brown or Les Miserable. 

@thepeterbrooker

Jack Reacher v Magic Mike

On Thursday I took the barmaid over the road to blockbusters where we hired Magic Mike. 

MOVIE INFO

Set in the world of male strippers, Magic Mike is directed by Steven Soderbergh and stars Channing Tatum in a story inspired by his real life. The film follows Mike (Tatum) as he takes a young dancer called The Kid (Pettyfer) under his wing and schools him in the fine arts of partying, picking up women, and making easy money.

It was, I confess, my idea, though I still made her go to the counter and rent it for fear of having my sexuality questioned.

Yes I am sad, but also careful, this is a small town and rumours have a habit of sticking around.

The film itself has good performances, McConaughey steals the show here as he plays the flamboyant club owner. The dance routines knock the piss out of the Full Monty and this film owes it no debt.

In the full monty the stripping brings the characters together, in this its the stripping that proves devisive for the central character Channing Tatum.

He cant have functional relationships and struggles to get any career for himself. 

Where this film falls down is that I have zero sympathy with any of the characters, as they can all dance, have fantastic pectoral muscles and can fuck any girl they lay eyes on.

Cry me a fucking river Channing.

That said I knew where most of the plot points were going, I found it fairly predictable, but that didn't stop me enjoying watching the cogs in motion.

I do think it was massively over rated by some critics though whom perhaps gave it that extra star to prove how comfortable they are with their sexuality.

Let me say for the record. I'm very comfortable with mine, even if I do need to get the barmaid from over the road to hire it out for me. 

Tomato meter - 80% (critics)

Tomato meter - 62% (audience)

Peter meter - 68%

Last night I took my buddy Neil to the cinema to see The Impossible. Unfortunately it wasn't showing so we caught Jack Reacher instead.

MOVIE INFO

Six shots. Five dead. One heartland city thrown into a state of terror. But within hours the cops have it solved: a slam-dunk case. Except for one thing. The accused man says: You got the wrong guy. Then he says: Get Reacher for me. And sure enough, ex-military investigator Jack Reacher is coming. He knows this shooter-a trained military sniper who never should have missed a shot. Reacher is certain something is not right-and soon the slam-dunk case explodes. Now Reacher is teamed with a beautiful young defense lawyer, moving closer to the unseen enemy who is pulling the strings. Reacher knows that no two opponents are created equal. This one has come to the heartland from his own kind of hell. And Reacher knows that the only way to take him down is to match his ruthlessness and cunning-and then beat him shot for shot. 

I gave Neil the keys to my flat over Xmas as I went to visit my family. I knew his mother was crazy as shit so I thought I'd do him a favour and offer up my flat as an escape. When I returned to the flat there were several things amiss. The bed wasn't made, the light and heater had been left on, and he had put glass bottles in my black bin. So when last night Neil enquired over text - 

NEIL: Was the flat ok?

ME: Heater left on, light left on, bed wasn't made, bag of rubbish kindly left in the kitchen and I had to fish all the bottles from the outside bin. Expected better but thanks for asking.

NEIL: Sorry I didn't know where the glass went and had to rush out. Will you accept a bottle of wine as an apology.

ME: I can't accept the apology based on the poor excuses but I have dispensed with the negative energy so don't worry about it.

OK so cut to 6 hours later in the car enroute to the cinema. I had listened to Neil harp on for the last half hour about how he is such a keen environmentalist that he is undertaking tree climbing in the new year. I cut him off from his point;

ME: Such an environmentalist that you don't know what to do with glass bottles.

NEIL: Well I just thought the bin man would take them.

ME: Neil you are either stupid or a liar. You lived in this town for thirty years, when have you EVER thrown bottles into the black bin?

NEIL: Well I didn't know what bin to put them in.

ME: Then you cannot fucking call yourself an environmentalist then Neil. You can barely call yourself a human being. If you don't know that bottles go to the bottle bank, which is what I had to do with YOUR bottles, then you are either stupid or a liar. Which is it Neil?

NEIL: Ok sorry, I suppose that was a bit of a lame excuse.

ME: Thankyou.

Then after a couple of moments of awkward silence...

NEIL: In Peterborough you can put bottles in green bins and the binman takes them.

ME: You are fucking kidding me? Well thats ok then! I suppose its my fault for not living in Peterborough, or owning a green bin. If only I could have anticipated this scenario silly me.

Anyway the film was pretty good, it's like Columbo with a bit of kick ass.

Tomato meter - 61% (critics)

Tomato meter - 74% (audience)

Peter meter - 73% 

Just to finish I caught the Freddie Mercury documentary on the iPlayer yesterday, but I think it's ended now. But it was pretty cool. Freddie Mercury only did a handful of interviews and I found him pretty funny. He was asked 'How do you handle the rest of the band when you are given a song to sing that you don't like?' He replies candidly "Oh I don't, if I don't like it I simply tell them to fuck off." Very funny guy and probably one of the best singers in our lifetime. So if you can, catch THE FREDDIE MERCURY DOCUMENTARY and not MAGIC MIKE or JACK REACHER.