Guardians of the Galaxy V Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Guardians of the Galaxy

Plot

Rowdy Burns has a magic arrow that he can command with a whistle like One man and his Dog. 

You remember Rowdy Burns from Days of Thunder? He was Tom Cruise's nemesis for the first two thirds of the film and then they bonded over a wheel chair race in a hospital. Then Tom Cruise gets to race Rowdy's replacement in ROWDY'S CAR! What a fantastic plot twist. Anyway it's good to see Rowdy Burns back and he has a good part too. He has quite a cool weapon, some decent make up and can see the funny side in being swindled out of 4 million units.
So the film itself promised a great soundtrack and when 10cc kicks in the first scene with I'm Not in Love, one of the best anti-ballads of all time, I thought we were off to a fucking flyer!!
Unfortunately the soundtrack is just ok and is only bookmarked with goods songs, (ending in a Stevie Wonder number) but I get the feeling everyone is getting carried away with this film.
It's solid, its very aware of itself and has just the right mixture of action and comedy. Not every joke lands, but it can't be faulted for that. It's just a good fun film nothing more. It's being showered in 5 stars by everyone and they're fucking cat but I would never go and endure this again. It's formulaic, it asks you to invest emotionally into a fighting tree, and none of the fight scenes are evenly matched. It's the problem I had with the X-Men films. All the fight scenes look incredible, and on paper look the nuts. (Remember when everyone was wanking over how cool it was to imagine Wolverine going up against a young Magneto, only to find it was over in seconds when Michael Fassbender uses his magnetic telekinesis to bury a charging Hugh Jackman under a fucking bus, or building, or whatever).
So calm down nerds, this is getting fucking way out of hand all this super hero crap.

Ol Rowdy Burns

Tomato Meter - 92% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 96% (audience)
Peter Meter - 85%



Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Plot

Gary Oldman apparently not only hates the Jews, he has a thing against Apes as well. 

A recent interview in Playboy Magazine had Gary Oldman saying 'I think that Mel Gibson had a point you know.' That was followed by an immediate back-pedal apology to the press stating, 'Shit sorry Jews, no offence.' It follows my theory, for what I feel like I have been saying for years now. They are just actors, yet we stick a microphone in front of their face and expect some insightful commentary on modern life, politics, etc. Have you ever heard Brad Pitt in an interview? He's a fucking neanderthal. We all know what Mel Gibsons like and how about the aforementioned Tom Cruise? Lets just leave the thespians alone, let them do their job which is entertaining the shit out of us on the big screen.

Andy Serkis as Caeser

So a lot of sniffy reviews about the new Apes film. Let me start by saying its the best film of the year so far. It gets everything right. Some incredible action sequences, some beautifully crafted suspense and lets you into the Apes plight, which if you've seen the original Heston flick then will result in victory, of course. There's an element of Greek tragedy to this one which I suppose was inevitable with the lead ape played by Andy Serkis, being called Caeser. The bad ape is bad ass, especially when he gets two semi automatics and goes at it on horseback against a fucking tank. I have seen this twice at the movie house now and although its not as balanced as RISE, it still beats the previous 5 from the 70's and the Tim Burton reboot.
My only criticism, which has been said of other film critics as well, is that the women are nowhere in this film. When the final act kicks in all the women disappear. It is a fair criticism, but only a mild one. Personally I didn't affect my enjoyment of the film, but I can appreciate the point. And I am a fucking bloke.

Tomato Meter - 91% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 92% (audience)
Peter Meter - 94%