Gravity v Rescue Dawn

Friday night

So I have been listening to these Zen podcasts about how to get out of your comfort zone and experience new things. So I went to my sisters BBQ and met a load of new people. I hung around a group of guys and listened to them talk about when best to put winter tires on there 4x4's, and what airports have the best parking facilities. I don't think I spoke for about 15 minutes. Finally my sister called me into the kitchen and asked me to cut up some finger rolls in preparation for the hot dogs. There I was, playing my role as butler when it occurred to me how hilarious it would be to pack one of the finger rolls with my own wiener. I could deliver the tray at groin height and cover the faux-wiener with coleslaw and shredded lettuce and surely hilarity would ensue. So I prepped the dogs and gave the boy a couple of taps to make sure it would sufficiently fill the bun. Just then a small child ran into the kitchen asking me when the hotdogs would be ready. A sudden panic rushed through me and I realized in an instant how this gag could suddenly backfire very quickly. Imagine the headlines this innocent party trick would create should the child unwittingly pick the wrong dog in my game of wiener-roulette. So I dished out the dogs in a grown up manner, listened to a bit more chat about winter tires and left very early. On the way home I passed the cinema and popped into watch Gravity.

An example of Gravity

Plot Summary

Sandra Bullock does multiple backflips and somersaults and then bumps into Bruce Willis stranded on an asteroid. Only kidding.

This movie proves why the Bechdel test is pointless and flawed. For the uninitiated, The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. I think this test is bullshit for a couple of reasons. I don't sit down and watch Beaches and say, 'hey, this film is just a bunch of women sitting around talking about their periods. Where are the guys talking about their winter tires and their allen wrenches?' Clearly some films are targeted for different genders, it doesn't make them sexist. This film doesn't pass the test, and the protagonist of the movie is a woman that is highly driven, educated and happens to be in every scene of the film. So yes, Pulp Fiction fails the Bechdel test, so do all the Star Wars films, but for me this is just one of those things, let the guys have their science fiction flicks and their gentlemen clubs, women join the party if you like but don't go calling us sexist. It's unlady like. I have seen this film twice now and it is a must for 3D.

Tomato Meter - 97% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 87% (audience)
Peter Meter - 96%

Sunday night

I trawled through the iPlayer and found Rescue Dawn.

Plot Summary

Christian Bale gets trapped in a Vietnamese prison and has to sleep next to a guy who shits himself every night. 

Connery playing a Spaniard with a Scottish accent

I haven't heard of this one, what a treat it is for me these days to watch a film I know nothing about with an actor I enjoy watching. I don't want to do any spoilers but there is a fantastic beheading in this film. I was trying to think of films that have wonderful beheadings, of course Demolition Man comes to mind. Highlander is up there but the scene always makes me feel sad because Connery was such a great character in that flick. I want to feel a warm glow in my under belly after a good beheading, not melancholic despair. This has taken a turn for the weird, I better wrap this up.

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics) 
Tomato Meter - 73% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Verdict

In the week I took a midnight drive with someone that I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to the top of Primrose Hill, smoked some cigarettes and played spot the Pedophile. It was magical. So WATCH the view from the top of Primrose Hill and NOT Gravity OR Rescue Dawn. 

Philomena v Thor: The Dark World

Monday.
I pottered down to the cinema with no idea of what I wanted to see. The options were slim. I chose Thor because I felt like that would be the one which burnt the least calories. I thought the first one was passable, I enjoyed Avengers, but I'm not sure I could really give two shits about a guy with a cape and a wooden mallet.  The guy behind the desk informed me that it was a 3D showing which meant I had to go all the way back to the car and get my glasses which was too much of an ordeal. So I plummed for Philomena.


Plot Summary


Judi Dench gets knocked up and the catholics sell her kid to some yanks. It sounds horrific but she jets off to the States to try and find him with a newspaper covering her expenses. So at least she got a free holiday out of it. 

Dench finally finds her clit

First off it was noticeable that I was the only under 50 in this screening and for the first ten minutes I was half wishing I made the journey back to the motor and got the 3D goggles. Especially as I could hear the bass of the film next door throbbing through the walls. People were getting the CGI feast of seeing a man with a cape disappear into the clouds through bolts of lightning, here I was in a bingo screening watching Judi Dench talk about her clitoris. Anyway it was clear from the off that this film was going to show up some horrible Catholics, which is just cannon fodder for me because I've never got on with them people. I dated a Catholic girl once, went to the church, waited in line for some body of christ cracker bread only to be told that I wasn't allowed any. I was starving, all I wanted was a bit of cracker and they told me to hit the bricks because I wasn't a Catholic. I wasn't anything! If they had given me a cracker then I would have signed up to whatever they were selling. Forget the pedophile priests, this was an outrage! So it doesn't show the Catholics in a good light, which had me onside from the start. It was actually quite moving although I felt something pivotal happened halfway in, and the film was airborne for about 15 minutes with it's legs flapping in the wind. But it landed safely and again as the credits rolled I wished I had the 3D goggles to hide my over active tear ducts.

Tomato Meter - 94% critics
Tomato Meter - 92% audience
Peter Meter - 82%


Wednesday
Well last night I did manage to get to see Thor: The Dark World with my buddy Paul.


Plot Summary

Chris Hemsworth takes his top off at about 15 minutes in. All the women audibly moan in sensual longing, all the guys instantly think they need to hit the gym, my buddy Paul just cries 'Oh for fucks sake'. 

I had forgotten how funny it can be to take my buddy Paul to the cinema. He is one of these guys that loves to give a running commentary and makes no attempt to whisper. My favourite line he gave once in a packed cinema was when Carey Mulligan said to Dicaprio in The Great Gatsby.

"I wish I did everything with you Gatsby." My buddy Paul said without missing a beat;

Even anal?

"Even Anal?"

Had me in stitches.
Just as Thor is hurdling over the Dark Elfs, slaying everything in sight, cape flapping, looking sexy etc. Paul just shouts. "I hope he has a titchy dick."

He even called people 'losers' as they walked back in to see the added scene that Marvel throws on after the credits have rolled.



Ultimately the film was just a bunch of empty calories. It wasn't joyless, I wasn't bored, at no point did I give a crap about anything going on. But then I don't think I ever expected to.

Tomato Meter - 75% critics
Tomato Meter - 86% audience
Peter Meter - 71%


Verdict

Well I've caught up with the latest series of Homeland, which is just all over the place. Incredibly disjointed, and poor old Mike is getting chucked from pillar to post trying to sleep with Brody's wife. I just hope he gets to seal the deal finally because he has certainly put the groundwork in. But I think this can be Mike's season. Lets all get behind Mike on Homeland shall we? So WATCH Mike seal the deal on Homeland and NOT Philomena OR Thor: The Dark World.


@thepeterbrooker

The Kingdom v Captain Phillips

The other night I found The Kingdom amongst my collection. Can't remember how it got there but I thought I'd give it a shot.

Plot Summary

Jamie Fox heads over to the middle east to find a naughty bomber. He keeps his sun glasses on throughout. It's like Ray basically, with machine guns. 

Piven, does good slime.

The film gets out of the blocks fast, the first 10-15 are explosive, literally. I was writing out my shopping list for tomorrow and I simply couldn't concentrate with all that was happening. As a result I went into Tesco later the next day and had to completely wing it. Luckily I'm a creature of habit and knew exactly what I was going to get. However a carefully prepared list does take the pressure off. This is another film where Jeremy Piven plays a slippery character drenched in slime. He plays it so well it makes me wonder if he has trouble attracting women in real life. The women Piven snares for sexual congress must first enter a terrible dichotomy of choice; Yes they can claim the bragging rights to sleeping with a hollywood A-lister, but at the cost of it being with Jeremy Piven, the actor who is primarily synonymous with slime. If you're a woman that's had a one night stand with Jeremy Piven, please write in and explain the thought process behind your actions.

Tomato Meter - 51% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 76% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 79%


Captain Phillips.

Plot summary

Erika Eleniak stays in the cake, Casey Ryback never makes it out the kitchen.

A water hose is no match for a semi-automatic

Well first things first. Tom Hanks is strutting around the boat barking orders, telling people to lock doors, go faster, slower, left, right etc. I mean there were many audible groans from the audience when at one point he told his crew to drink up their coffee and get back to work. It obviously hit several nerves and Hanks had a long way to come back from if he was going to win over the hearts of these anti-jobs-worth movie goers. Paul Greengrass the director has this knack of telling a story cinematically with incredible realism. One of the ways he achieves this is by having real Somalian pirates in the film punch Hanks repeatedly in the face. Only joking. People talk about Woody Allen having a return to form, but I think maybe Greengrass needed one more. Bourne Ultimatum was ultimately forgettable, even more so Green ZZZZzzzzone. But this was a hit and destroy if we are talking Battleship terms.

Tomato Meter - 94% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 94% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 92% 

Verdict

Well let me tell you something. This is probably Hanks's best film since The Money Pit. It will get him an oscar nod but I've heard he won't win. Yes I am in the know, thanks for asking. However it isn't as good as The Money Pit and not many films are. If you want to see some exquisite Hanks acting then watch him laugh in the clip I have dug out for you. A real treat i promise you. So WATCH Tom Hanks laugh in The Money Pit, and NOT The Kingdom OR Captain Phillips.

Escape Plan v The Man Without a Face

Escape plan

Plot Summary

Daniel Caviezel played The Count of Monte Cristo once. Dumas's fictional character that was wrongfully imprisoned for a over decade. Well now it's his turn. He wrongfully imprisons Sly and Arnie and he loves it.

I saw Batman and Rocky 4 at this cinema.

I saw Rocky 4 at the Granada theatre in Bedford when I was 6 years old. It was one of the biggest in the country and had nearly 2000 seats. It had a stage pit where a Wurlitzer organ emerged slowly and played for 20 minutes before each feature. It was also home to concerts back in the day. My Dad said he saw Hendrix play there and told me he was shit. But this coming from a guy that thinks Cliff Richard is the best rock n roll star to have ever lived. Anyway I digress. The point is, Sly Stallone was scorched into my psyche at a very young age and I thank God that I grew up watching the best action stars that have ever been. I saw the likes of Schwarzenegger shoot a mini gun from a high rise. The kids of today have charisma vacuum The Rock and Channing Tatum who blinks when he fires a gun. On the subject of Escape Plan, I announced early in the week that I have changed amaze-balls to tits balls. And this film is the tits-balls.
Though when is Sly going to allow a little grey at the side of his temples? He must be having a grey hair stand off with McCartney. Which one is going to budge first?
By the way the Granada was flattened in 1989, it's now a car park I believe. A building that survived the war, that was gigged by Hendrix and The Beatles is now a car park. Wonderful.


Tomato Meter - 45% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 95% (audience)
Peter Meter     -  90% 


So I caught The Man Without a Face on the iPlayer earlier in the week. Which is a bit cruel, and misleading. He does have a face, and half of it ain't bad.

Plot Summary

Harvey Dent is living in exile after rumours abound that he interfered with a kid back in the day.  

Don't ever google man without a face

This film isn't that bad. A strange inquisitive boy wants to be taught Shakespeare and finds a friend in
freaky face Gibbo. It has a slice of Scissorhands in there without the charm, and when Gibbo tells his new student to dig a hole it took me right back to my 'wax on wax off daniel-son' days. Why are all teachers so intent on being mysterious and oddball? The curriculum is there for a reason you know.

Tomato Meter - 67% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 52% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 75% 



Verdict

If you love a good Stallone prison flick like I do, you could go Tango and Cash or Escape to Victory, but why don't you treat yourself to the wonderfully under-rated Lock Up. I have included the football game scene which is just nuts. Billy from Predator plays the antagonist, a real brute. And even the big fella from Batteries Not Included pops up and has a go. SO watch Lock Up and NOT Escape Plan OR The Man Without A Face.

Blue Jasmine v Judgment Night

I am a man of leisure come Monday's. It's slightly surreal to not work Monday's after working every monday of my life for the past 13 years. I still haven't established any decent routine, but it really is the only day in the week where I get to do capricious things. Like blacken the bumper of my crappy car. Or hit the cinema whilst still dressed in my gym shorts. I caught the only showing of Blue Jasmine that day. 

Plot summary


Cate Blanchett gets hammered a lot and shows off her sweaty armpits in every other scene.

When I was watching films growing up my dad would always join the film halfway through. He would ask me what film I was watching, which I would repeat 3 times. Then he would ask, 'Who are the good guys, and who are the bad guys? Face Off was incredibly confusing for him. But I always admired his black and white approach to films. He was basically asking: 'Who do I root for in this?' And the main problem this film has, is that there are no characters you can really get behind. Cate Blanchetts character doesn't redeem herself and I found myself a little bored during some of her scenes. However her sister (Sally Hawkins) with whom she lives, actually had a more interesting role, and together with Alec Baldwin there is enough interesting stuff here to make this worth a watch. Did you know that Woody Allen writes all his scripts on the same typewriter that he's used since a teenager? of course you did. Incidentally has anyone ever thought that John Parrott could make an excellent stunt double for Alec Baldwin?

Ahhhhh maybe not.
In fact, I'm way off.

Tomato Meter - 91% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 83% (audience)
Peter Meter - 69%

So I caught Judgment Night on the iPlayer the other week.

Plot summary

Emulsion Estevez thinks he's well hard in this. Unbelievably, so does everyone else. 

You know if you type Emilio into your blower, the predictive text will come up as 'Emulsion'. I have now got into the habit of looking up words that I don't know the definition of and when I looked up 'Emulsion' on wikipeadiea it came up with this
An emulsion is a mixture of two or more liquids that are normally immiscible (nonmixable or unblendable). Emulsions are part of a more general class of two-phase systems of matter called colloids. Although the terms colloid and emulsion are sometimes used interchangeably, emulsion should be used when both the dispersed and the continuous phase are liquids. After about 15 minutes, I was still not entirely sure what the word meant, but I realized the 15 minutes I spent reading up on emulsion was far more enjoyable than the 2 hours I spent sitting through Judgment Night. The main disappointing thing is that I'm a huge fan of Emulsion Estevez, but he is not a tough looking dude. Jeremy Piven does his slippery weasel schtick well enough to keep me interested, but he's better in Very Bad Things. Which isn't a flawless film by any means and completely loses itself in the final act, but it's Gone with the Wind compared to Judgment Day. I couldn't find the scene where he accidentally murders the prostitute in the bathroom whilst shagging her, but I did find the bit where he accidentally murders his brother with the car.


Tomato Meter - 31% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 30% (audience)
Peter Meter - 29%

Verdict

I realize when I watch some of my favourite actors appear in shitty films, I get cravings like a pregnant woman to watch the films that made me like them in the first place. Helps me cleanse the palette so to speak. So I looked up some scenes on Young Guns on YouTube this week and started to feel a lot better about life. Emulsion, I forgive you because you were in one of my favourite western films of all time.

Enjoy this scene where his mate Charlie loses his shit in a shoot out. So WATCH Charlie lose his shit in Young Guns and NOT Blue Jasmine OR Judgment Night.  

Prisoners v Hart's War

Early in the week I took my buddy Neil to the local cineworld and caught Prisoners.

Plot summary 

Jake Gylenhaal proofs that not all people with neck tattoo's go shoplifting in Tesco's. Meanwhile Hugh Jackman's daughter gets abducted. Jackman tells his wife he has to help the police with the search, slips her a load of pills to sedate her, then goes out and gets shit-faced instead. What a hero!

I was very impressed with Jackman's innovative makeshift torture shower. That might make me sound like a sadist. However I'm sure all the carpenters out there would be paying attention to that scene and giving the secret nod of approval.
At the core of the film lies the message, is it moral to use torture as a device to extrapolate information that could be key in saving life's? Who knows, but it would be interesting to see if a patent is available for that torture shower.

Lastly, the writer of this film clearly couldn't be arsed to write a decent part for a woman. Jackman's wife is written out of the film altogether as she inexplicably decides to stay in bed and down shit loads of sleeping pills. It kind of gives you an indication of how good Rene Russo was in Ransom. Which I thought about alot whilst watching this, and for the majority of the time, wished I was watching instead.


Tomato Meter - 81% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 89% (audience)
Peter Meter - 78%

So during the week I caught Hart's War on the iPlayer

Plot Summary

Bruce Willis and Colin Farrell get put up by some quite pleasant Nazi's in a POW camp. 

Honestly these Nazi's aren't so bad in this. It's all quite amicable really until someone gets whacked and a kangaroo court is put together to find the perpetrator. At times it reminded me of A Few Good Men, and then it made me want to watch that instead. Other times it bore a close resemblance to The Great Escape, which due to the tone and backdrop was probably going to be unavoidable. So imagine The Great Escape fused at the hip with A Few Good Men, then imagine not really giving a fuck about anyone involved, and you have Hart's War.

I enjoyed the football bread scene though, so I included it here for your viewing pleasure.



















Tomato Meter - 60% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 53% (audience)
Peter Meter - 64%

Verdict

Lastly I got a got a reply from Alexei Sayle by email the other day. I posed the following question to him:

Q# Sean Connery has gone on record by saying that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was the best film that he has ever been involved with, could you share those sentiments in regards to your own film career?

A# Well I only had one scene in Indy 3 which I enjoyed and it is a great movie.  I think the best films I've made are for TV and I would say that The Comic Strip film "The Strike" is the best performance I've given in a movie.

I haven't seen Strike myself so unfortunately i can't recommend it. However I have seen A Few Good Men and have included a wonderful clip of Jack delivering a cracking line about blow jobs. So WATCH Jack Nicholson talk about blow jobs and NOT Prisoners OR Hart's War. 

The Thomas Crown Affair v White House Down

Monday night I went to help out my Dad cut the hedge, in the evening we watched The Thomas Crown Affair. The 1968 original starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway.

Plot Summary

Steve McQueen masterminds a bank heist in the first 10 minutes, then spends the rest of the film flying his Glider, nobbing Faye Dunaway and mincing about in his Dune Buggy.

So it was D-Day for me on Tuesday. That's right campers, dick-day. I had been putting it off for 34 years but it was finally time for Kojak's money box to lose it's tea cosy. For those still struggling with that, you best put down that salami sandwich, I'm talking adult circumcision. I had already been booked in a week previous and had been told not to eat or drink anything from 10pm the night before. Smash cut to 5pm the next day where I had been locked away in a tiny cubicle with nothing but a padded chair and my Rocky dressing gown, for the best part of 6 hours. A timourous nurse entered and apologized that the surgeon would not have time to see me. I refused his apology and his peace offering (a cheese sandwich) grabbed my foreskin and left. It was only when I left the treatment centre that I realised I was still sporting my Rocky dressing gown. So I made a sheepish return to collect my clothes.

"Sorry again Mr Brooker," said the young apprentice handing me my sweats.

"That's ok Doc," I knew he wasn't a doctor, but it felt sexy saying it."Technically I've been waiting for this day for 34 years, another week ain't gunna hurt."

So yesterday it was all done, and initially I had grave concerns after it was announced that my angry inch was going to be seen to by a student nurse. But when it came time to re-do my dressings, my concerns of it looking anything like Frankensteins Frankfurter were soon discarded. It looks fantastic, thanks for asking.

Anyway, so onto the movie. First of all I had not seen the original. I knew of the title song 'Windmills of your mind' song by some french geezer Legrand. Sting covered it for the Brosnin remake in 1999 incase you were wondering. So Legrand picked up an oscar for this tune and rightly so. However the score for the film itself is fucking deplorable. A mash of comic jazz and horrific distracting bells and whistles that completely undermines any suspense that the director is trying to build. This score also got an oscar, which is even more inconceivable. The director was one of the first to use split screen images and it works brilliantly. Unlike the film itself which McQueen has said is his favourite. I'm sorry Stevey, but you clearly don't know you're Bullitt's from your own butt-hollio. This film was shit and Papillon was your best movie. Though the movie leaves out the part of the book where Henri Charriere (the escaped convict, from which the film is based) escapes to an exotic island, and bangs his way through a carefully selected crop of 12 year old girls. Artistic license I guess. I have included the end sequence from Papillon because it's one of the best. Don't watch if you haven't seen the film in its entirety. 

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 62% (audience)

Peter Meter - 51%

So I'm back from my solo trip to Cineworld where I endured White House Down.

Plot Summary

Jamie Foxx plays the president, Channing Tatum plays John McClane and the two dive through a lot of windows.

Ok for anyone that wants to go to the cinema, but hasn't managed to secure a date or find a friend, here are some canny tips on how to avoid the billy no mates look.

1# When entering the theatre, wave to no one at the back of the room and make your way to the top.

2# Leave a coat on the seat next to yours as if you're reserving it for someone.

3# When the film finishes leave quickly and stay close to a group of people, laugh with them at their jokes and witty reviews of the film.

4# In the car-park make a break for it and don't look back.

This film is about 20 minutes too long and Channing Tatum can't fire a gun without blinking.
The best actor of our generation for firing guns without blinking has got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fires a damn mini gun for more than a minute without blinking. I have included the clip. Channing, get down the firing range, and get some practice in.



Tomato Meter - 50% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 67% (audience)
Peter Meter - 69%

Verdict

If you want to see a good Steve McQueen film with a great soundtrack check out Bullitt with the score by Lalo Schriffin. It's pure sex. A little trivia for you, do you know how Steve McQueen died? He died from cancer, from 'Mesothelioma' a cancer caused from exposure to asbestos. Many believe it was the constant use of flame-retardant driving suits, insulated with asbestos that he always wore when racing that did the damage. 

He said about racing; 'Racing is life, anything before or after is just waiting'.

So WATCH out for any asbestos that might be floating around, and NOT The Thomas Crown Affair OR White House Down.