The Thomas Crown Affair v White House Down

Monday night I went to help out my Dad cut the hedge, in the evening we watched The Thomas Crown Affair. The 1968 original starring Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway.

Plot Summary

Steve McQueen masterminds a bank heist in the first 10 minutes, then spends the rest of the film flying his Glider, nobbing Faye Dunaway and mincing about in his Dune Buggy.

So it was D-Day for me on Tuesday. That's right campers, dick-day. I had been putting it off for 34 years but it was finally time for Kojak's money box to lose it's tea cosy. For those still struggling with that, you best put down that salami sandwich, I'm talking adult circumcision. I had already been booked in a week previous and had been told not to eat or drink anything from 10pm the night before. Smash cut to 5pm the next day where I had been locked away in a tiny cubicle with nothing but a padded chair and my Rocky dressing gown, for the best part of 6 hours. A timourous nurse entered and apologized that the surgeon would not have time to see me. I refused his apology and his peace offering (a cheese sandwich) grabbed my foreskin and left. It was only when I left the treatment centre that I realised I was still sporting my Rocky dressing gown. So I made a sheepish return to collect my clothes.

"Sorry again Mr Brooker," said the young apprentice handing me my sweats.

"That's ok Doc," I knew he wasn't a doctor, but it felt sexy saying it."Technically I've been waiting for this day for 34 years, another week ain't gunna hurt."

So yesterday it was all done, and initially I had grave concerns after it was announced that my angry inch was going to be seen to by a student nurse. But when it came time to re-do my dressings, my concerns of it looking anything like Frankensteins Frankfurter were soon discarded. It looks fantastic, thanks for asking.

Anyway, so onto the movie. First of all I had not seen the original. I knew of the title song 'Windmills of your mind' song by some french geezer Legrand. Sting covered it for the Brosnin remake in 1999 incase you were wondering. So Legrand picked up an oscar for this tune and rightly so. However the score for the film itself is fucking deplorable. A mash of comic jazz and horrific distracting bells and whistles that completely undermines any suspense that the director is trying to build. This score also got an oscar, which is even more inconceivable. The director was one of the first to use split screen images and it works brilliantly. Unlike the film itself which McQueen has said is his favourite. I'm sorry Stevey, but you clearly don't know you're Bullitt's from your own butt-hollio. This film was shit and Papillon was your best movie. Though the movie leaves out the part of the book where Henri Charriere (the escaped convict, from which the film is based) escapes to an exotic island, and bangs his way through a carefully selected crop of 12 year old girls. Artistic license I guess. I have included the end sequence from Papillon because it's one of the best. Don't watch if you haven't seen the film in its entirety. 

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)

Tomato Meter - 62% (audience)

Peter Meter - 51%

So I'm back from my solo trip to Cineworld where I endured White House Down.

Plot Summary

Jamie Foxx plays the president, Channing Tatum plays John McClane and the two dive through a lot of windows.

Ok for anyone that wants to go to the cinema, but hasn't managed to secure a date or find a friend, here are some canny tips on how to avoid the billy no mates look.

1# When entering the theatre, wave to no one at the back of the room and make your way to the top.

2# Leave a coat on the seat next to yours as if you're reserving it for someone.

3# When the film finishes leave quickly and stay close to a group of people, laugh with them at their jokes and witty reviews of the film.

4# In the car-park make a break for it and don't look back.

This film is about 20 minutes too long and Channing Tatum can't fire a gun without blinking.
The best actor of our generation for firing guns without blinking has got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fires a damn mini gun for more than a minute without blinking. I have included the clip. Channing, get down the firing range, and get some practice in.



Tomato Meter - 50% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 67% (audience)
Peter Meter - 69%

Verdict

If you want to see a good Steve McQueen film with a great soundtrack check out Bullitt with the score by Lalo Schriffin. It's pure sex. A little trivia for you, do you know how Steve McQueen died? He died from cancer, from 'Mesothelioma' a cancer caused from exposure to asbestos. Many believe it was the constant use of flame-retardant driving suits, insulated with asbestos that he always wore when racing that did the damage. 

He said about racing; 'Racing is life, anything before or after is just waiting'.

So WATCH out for any asbestos that might be floating around, and NOT The Thomas Crown Affair OR White House Down. 

Rush v I am Legend

Yesterday I took my brother to the cinema and caught RUSH.

Plot Summary

Ever heard of James Hunt or Niki Lauda? Me neither. But they duke it out on the track during the time when the sex was safe and the racing was dangerous. 

I took a girl out on a date once. Long time ago and I'm not sure if it was even a date, but I picked her up in my crap box and took her to the cinema. Now I've said many times that I drive like the back of my car is on fire. Give me ten minutes in any car and I'll have it on a string. In fact until recently, I would make routine visits to my girlfriends house driving only with my knees. That's right, I'm a prick. But I also drive with a sense of arrival, never sit at a traffic light not knowing it's gone green, never sit in the middle lane doing 70, you get the picture. Anyway there is a scene in this film where Niki Lauda gets in a car and this model tells him to go faster. He refuses but eventually caves and tears up the country side much to the amazement of his now aroused female passenger.

BULLSHIT I say.
When I took that girl out to the cinema all them years ago she called me a maniac for the way I drove and didn't even let me take her home afterwards. I get the fact that women like their men to live on the edge, it sounds sexy. But they don't want to be riding shotgun to any guy with a death-wish.
Apart from that it was probably the best film I've ever seen, I just wish the central characters could have had a pointless wheelchair race like Rowdy Burns and Cole Trickle did in Days of Thunder.


I have included the clip, it even has chase music.

Tomato meter - 97% critics
Tomato meter - 93% audience
Peter meter - 89% 

The day before I stayed around my friend Brendan's house, watched some boxing and caught I Am Legend on the tele.

Plot Summary

Will Smith ties his Alsatian to a treadmill to fight pikey vampire dogs. 

It obviously shits all over The Omega Man which was the original with Charlton 'It's a madhouse' Heston, but not as good as the book I Am Legend, the 1954 science fiction classic by Richard Matheson. (According to my friend Brendan that is, I haven't read it).
You have to suspend disbelief in this film.
You have to believe that a scientist has the DIY skills to install heavy duty pull-down shutters on every window in his house, that he can booby trap the perimeter with explosives, and that he looks like Will Smith.
That aside I did believe that after 1000 days with no human interaction, he lets one woman into his gaff and 10 hours later the fucking thing gets flat lined.

I have included a clip of Will Smith chatting up a mannequin, which is the exact way I approach my women at bars.



Tomato meter - 70% critics
Tomato meter - 69% audience
Peter meter - 75% 

Verdict

I was invited to a poetry reading on a boat this week just gone. I arrived, rocked up to the bar, and spotted a discarded train ticket lying by the Guinness pump. I plucked it from the small pool of ale it was floating in, and asked the barmaid
'Are you ... ' and pointed at the 'SINGLE' as written at the bottom of the ticket. 'No,' she shot back, plucking the ticket from my grasp and swiftly binning it. Admittedly it was a weak opener, but listen up women, extra kudos should be given to guys like me who can improvise with their surroundings. I delivered a line that was exceptionally unique. I was like Jason Bourne taking down bad guys with a rolled up magazine, that's how quick and ballsy that move was.

So now I'm single come WATCH me crash and burn at poetry readings on boats and NOT Rush OR I am Legend.

2 guns v 360

Last night I took my brother to see a late show of 2 Guns at the Cineworld.

Plot Summary

Denzel and Marky Mark team up in this empty calorie buddy cop flick. You want it to be Tango and Cash, but then you could possibly say that about every film. 

I have been drinking quite heavily over the last couple of days. Normally the last place I want to be is in the cinema on a hangover. I get nauseous, anxious, and generally just want to throw up in my popcorn. I once went to see Collateral at the cinema with my first girlfriend on a killer hangover. She paid. I made it past the trailers, caught the first scene where Jason Statham bumps into Cruise and tells him to 'Enjoy LA', then got up and left. I felt like my innards were going to end up in my girlfriends lap.
Do you think Statham would have made a good Batman? He's got the gravel voice and a decent enough chin. Imagine a stubbly Batman with a terrible American accent.

But I survived.
The film was a distraction at best. I felt like the tone was a bit all over the place, I wanted it to be funnier but it chose to go down the stylish route, which is fair enough.

Tomato Meter - 63% critics

Tomato Meter - 74% audience

Peter Meter - 75%

Just now I turned to the iPlayer to watch something equally disposable. Instead I indulged 360.

Plot Summary 

A series of broken relationships dovetail into each other. It didn't at any point remind me of Tango and Cash but I still wanted it to be Tango and Cash.

It's a film that begs the existential question; Why are we here? Are we just a random bunch of atoms bumping into each other, seeking pleasure where we can? Or do each of us have a course of destiny that is entwined with another? How do we earn trust in a relationship and how do we deal the loss of a partner or death of a sibling? 

Fuck me I sound like that chick from Sex in the City.

Anyway this film goes someway in answering those questions. It isn't preachy and just gives you the chance to have a sneaky peak at the lives of others. Anthony Hopkins nails his part and perhaps deserved more screen time.

I enjoyed this, I can't think why more people didn't like it. Maybe because it lacks serious jeopardy until the last 5 minutes.

Tomato Meter - 21% critics

Tomato Meter - 33% audience

Peter Meter - 82%

Verdict

A quick shout out to Tommy Morrison who died earlier this week. He was a fighter that appeared in the Rocky 5 film as Tommy Gunn. He won about 40 fights most of those by knockout. I googled some of his fights earlier this week and there are some great knockdowns. He made Razor Ruddock hit the deck like a puppet that had his strings cut. So WATCH Tommy Morrison beat Razor Ruddock and NOT 2 Guns OR 360.

Despicable Me 2 v World War Z

Despicable Me 2

This Monday I got a parking fine on my car. I was late by 20 minutes so I wrote a letter to the county council:

If you don't revoke this chicken shit ticket I will never shop in your town again.

Yours faithfully
Pete Brooker

You would have thought a town like Huntingdon that was pictured on the front cover of Crap Towns 2, would welcome people with open arms to their shanti shithole. I will keep you posted on developments regarding my ticket. So in need of cheering up I saw Despicable Me 2 alone. 

Plot Summary

Gru goes undercover to foil some other mastermind from destroying the universe....or something.

Hilarious.

Geeky trivia from IMDB

Al Pacino was set to play Eduardo and had recorded his lines, but then dropped out of the project, with the studio citing "creative differences". He was replaced by Benjamin Bratt. 

Tomato Meter - 75% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 89% (audience)
Peter Meter - 89%


World War Z

Last night I took a trip down to the local boxing gym. However I struggled to find the right building so went to the cinema again. On my own, again.

Plot Summary

Brad Pitt drops the kids off on a boat and goes traveling. He then bumps into the undead and doesn't swear once. No one swears! I can buy the zombie premise, but you think someone would curse at some point. Not very realistic. 

It's a summer blockbuster that features a global disaster. I was very much looking forward to someone saying 'Wake up the President'. But no one did. In fact 20 minutes in they declare that the president is dead. I was very disappointed. 

Geeky trivia from IMDB

Filming took place in several areas of the UK including Cornwall, England where the UN control room scene was filmed alongside scenes on the Ministry of Defence Primary Casualty Receiving Facility (PCRF), RFA Argus (AS on the flight-deck). Filming also took place in Glasgow, Scotland with the streets made to look like those in Philadelphia with many American cars, trucks, taxis and street signage shipped in from the USA. Also filming took place in Valletta, Malta. 

Tomato Meter - 67% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 75% (audience)
Peter Meter - 84%


Final Verdict


Well it was no Outbreak that's for sure. Now there is a film with a contagious disease AND swearing. Here's a clip of Dustin Hoffman telling Donald Sutherland to go fuck himself.

So WATCH Outbreak and NOT World War Z OR Despicable Me 2. 

Dead Calm v Regarding Henry

Last Sunday I landed at my folks place with a Gin hangover. We listened to England lose the Cricket on the wireless, ate a steak and watched Dead Calm on ITV3.

DEAD CALM 
Plot Summary

Nicole Kidman and husband Sam Neill embark on a boat trip. Sailor Sam spots a sinking ship on the horizon and jogs off to investigate. Meanwhile Billy Zane jumps on board like a sneaky cuttlefish (see LIFE on the BBC) and slips her one.

Now let me get to the nub, the real meat and potatoes of what this film is about. It's no secret that Billy Zane plays the villain in this piece, but if you look carefully at this film, peel back the layers of the onion, you will see there a larger, more darker force at work. The deceitful anti-hero that is played by Benji the dog. You may notice how Benji always yaps when Kidman attempts to sneak off for the gun or tranquilizers giving her up like the treacherous swine he is. Full of dash and cunning, even when Kidman throws the motor key in the ocean in attempt to slow the boat down, Benji dives in and retrieves it for Zane whom he is obviously in league with. I for one was happy to see him shot through the door with a harpoon, and did Kidman weep for his loss? Of course not. She knew what she was doing. 

Geeky Trivia from IMDB


The movie is based on the novel "Dead Calm" by Charles Williams. Orson Welles had filmed it under the name of "The Deep" (previous title: "Dead Reckoning"), based on his own script. The film starred Jeanne Moreau, Laurence Harvey, Michael Bryant, Welles' then-wife Oja Kodar, and Welles himself. The original story had more characters in it than the 1989 film version. Filming lasted from 1967 till 1969. A few scenes could not be filmed, due to the death of Laurence Harvey in 1970, and so Welles' version never reached the big screen. 

  Peter Meter - 87%

  Tomato Meter - 95% (critics)

  Tomato Meter - 43% (audience) 

The other day I sat down with my girlfriend and watched Regarding Henry on Netflix.

REGARDING HENRY
Plot Summary

Harrison Ford gets a bullet in the head in the middle of a foiled robbery. He then develops a fetish for Ritz crackers. 


This was a film that I watched when I was very young. I always had fond memories of it but sadly it didn't hold up. Unlike Dead Calm this was very thin, bit baggy and had some scenes that were excruciating. Like the one where Harrison Ford learns to read again. (See below)

   Peter Meter - 52%                     

   Tomato Meter - 44% (critics)

   Tomato Meter - 50% (audience) 

FINAL VERDICT

I caught up with all the episodes of The Apprentice on iPlayer recently. That little guy (the white Gok Wan) is a bit creepy isn't he? If he had to plot a murder for the next challenge he would wipe the floor with that lot. I think it will be him and Neil in the final. I liked that Alex guy but his eyebrows were freaking me out. My prediction is that little guy is going to win. So WATCH that little guy win The Apprentice and NOT Dead Calm OR Regarding Henry. 

Valhalla Rising v Man of Steel

Monday day I slipped in and out of consciousness but caught Valhalla Rising on the iPlayer between deep sleeps.

Plot Summary

The guy that cries blood in Casino Royal with Cheese, only has one eye in this, but that doesn't stop him knocking the sh*t out of some Pagans. 

I think I may have to stop watching so many films. I have a girlfriend now, surely I should be spending time with her instead of watching a mute tied to a post, gauging semi-naked Christians in swamps. And that's just a Tuesday night out in Ramsey.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anyway if I had to review Valhalla Rising in the style of Top Trumps, it would look something like this.

Atmosphere - 89
Writing - 23
Cinematography - 86
Acting - 89
Plot - 29
Violence - 96
Naps taken during film - 3
Toilet breaks taken - 2


But ultimately nobody knows what this film is about, check the comment boards on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes. But if you're asking for my opinion, it's a super slow, super violent, art-house character study with a subliminal metaphor for how morally redundant it is to kill in the name of Christ. In a nutshell, if you can handle scenes of men climbing mountains in slow motion, then this is for you.

Tomato Meter - 71% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 46% (audience)
Peter Meter - 70%

Thursday I finally got to see Man of Steel at my local picture-house after last weeks misadventure saw me get drunk in a Greek restaurant instead.

Plot Summary  

Two Robin Hoods try to father Superman. Both die horribly. 


Last Friday I threw on my Terence Stamp 'KNEEL BEFORE ZOD' Tee-shirt and took the 'loner' (my Audi 80) over to Peterborough to pick up my buddy Neil. Together we were going to catch the premiere of Man of Steel over at the Showcase cinema. I parked up on the curb outside Neil's new flat. As I sat there wondering why the new Superman isn't wearing his pants on the outside, bellows of white smoke preceded to pour from the bonnet of my crapbox Audi. Was this the end of the loner? Could it not at least endure one final journey to the most anticipated film of the year? Maybe it's demise was fitting, the worst car on the road dying unceremoniously on a curb in the worst city in Britain.
To compound my misery, I stuck my head inside the hood to inspect the damage and was accosted by a prostitute of no age at all, asking if I would like any 'business'?
She stipulated that I could do what ever I wanted to her for the bargain price of £20.
The engine hissed furious spats of steam and smog between us, engulfing the entire proposition in an arduous fog that prevented me from getting a clear look at the prostitute.
However I gracefully declined and she left me and the loner, marooned together down a red-lit side alley, somewhere deep in the bowels in the seedy borough of Peter.

But moving on to the film itself.

It should be said I have a deep warm affectionate feeling towards the Christopher Reeve Superman's. Reeve's depiction of Clark Kent as a bumbling, inept shell of a man, hasn't been apparent in any incarnation of the Superman franchise since. Dean Cain was too smooth and one dimensional to give the character any kind of candor and Brandon Routh was something of a charisma vacuum.
For me the true brilliance of the Superman character lies in the dealing with the dichotomy of being a super-hero, whilst keeping his true identity a secret to protect the ones he loves.
The first act with a young Clark being morally tutored by his adopted parents, explores this brilliantly.
Unfortunately Cavil isn't really given the chance to express himself in the Kent role, rendering that side of the story redundant.

My buddy Paul argued the point that Superman has to move on from Reeve's portrayal of an ungainly Clark Kent, blundering his artless arse through over two hours of screen time. But the trouble is, that's the Superman I fell in love with. It's like when your girlfriend makes you a perfectly good batch of pancakes and you feel like launching them across the kitchen because it's not how your mum made them when you were 11.

Man of Steel didn't necessarily have big red boots to fill in the eyes of many because Singer's Superman Returns was deemed a mis-step. But it still had some pretty big red pants to fill in the view of this overly nostalgic, slightly rambling bored armchair critic.

Fuck you Man of Steel.

Tomato Meter - 57% (critics)
Tomato meter - 82% (audience)
Peter Meter - 49%

Verdict

It's sad news about James Gandolfini dying this week. Sad news for me in particular as I was looking to buy a box set of The Sopranos, and what's the bet that they've all miraculously doubled in price now. Still he has been in a lot of good films too, including the recent Killing Them Softly as a drunk misanthropic contract killer. So either watch the early Superman films and realize how less is more when it comes to CGI, or WATCH Killing Them Softly, NOT Valhalla Rising OR Man of Steel.

Teeth v The Iceman

Last weekend I drank cider, ate tea-cakes and burnt every burger on the BBQ. After a particularly charred, but enjoyable dinner I sat down and watched Teeth on Netflix.

Plot Summary

A girl develops a mutation .......... down there.

That's right, it's a film about a girl that has teeth in her vagina!
It makes you think what would be the mutated equivalent for a dude.
The girl I saw it with, suggested retractable razor blades emanating from the shaft once inside the womens vaginal core. I thought maybe a boxing glove shooting on a spring out of the mans urethra.
Please have a think and add your own suggestions.
Anyway.

Oddly, when the film is at its best, its focusing on the innocence of youth and the sanctity of sex. So often sex is over glamorized. It always looks so easy on the big screen, when in fact it can be quite awkward at times, and not great to look at aesthetically. (Just me?)

Of course with this narrative it eventually cascades into complete chaos and it goes off the rails in a pretty spectacular way. However the tone of the film is wonderfully judged with humour, tension and dismembered members.

Tomato Meter - 79% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 45% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Last night I had the pleasure of driving the same girl to the picture house to catch the late showing of The Iceman.

Plot Summary

Zod plays a ruthless contract killer that will stop at nothing to fund an affluent lifestyle for his wife and children.

If I want to impress a female, I clean my automobile before picking them up. So if you are of the female variety, and you happen to find yourself in my car, and you mindlessly run your hands safely along the upholstery without it sticking to some undefinable gelatinous goop, then the chances are I quite like you.
Of course up until now I have been hiding my Audi 80 from said girl. Stashing it down secret alleys like Marty McFly hiding the DeLoreon, in fear that just the sight of such hideous machinery would have her run to the hills like a track-star.
But ultimately, I came clean, and offered her full disclosure.
I will keep you posted on any further progress, lets hope the 'Loner' doesn't prove to be a deal breaker.

The film itself was very retro. There are some cracking sideburns in this flick, matched with an eclectic selection of old trackie tops, topped with some blinding crumb-catchers. It's not just General Zod flaunting some quality Lip Foliage, check out the womb broom on Ross from Friends. Also not to be sniffed, the Lamb Chops on Captain America.

Geeky Trivia from IMDB

While in prison, Richard Kuklinski claimed to be responsible along with four other men for the kidnap and murder of former Teamsters union boss Jimmy Hoffa on July 30 1975 in a restaurant parking lot in Detroit. The five-man team were allegedly given the contract on Hoffa by Tony Provenzano, a captain in the Genovese crime family. Kuklinski claimed to have been paid $40,000 for the hit. Kuklinski said that he knocked Hoffa unconscious with a blackjack and, while holding Hoffa's chin up, thrust a hunting knife into the back of his head. Hoffa's body was then allegedly placed in the trunk of a car that was then crushed and sold as scrap metal to Japanese car makers. The claims only surfaced after Kuklinski's death in March 2006 in a book by author Philip Carlo and will probably never be substantiated. 

Tomato Meter - 68% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 72% (audience)
Peter Meter - 89%

Verdict

This week I've also caught 2/3's of Man of the Year. It's strange how Robin Williams no longer does good movies. I also watched an entire box set of Superman cartoons in a feeble bid to quell my insatiable yearning for the Man of Steel release. I implore you to watch them, they are fantastic. But my recommendation this week is Point Break, available on the iPlayer. It features one of the best lines in movie history. I have included the clip below for your aural pleasure. Don't call me a hero. So WATCH Point Break (before they remake it into something horrible) and NOT Teeth OR The Iceman.