Godzilla V My Cousin Vinny

GODZILLA

One thing you should know before going to see the latest incarnation of Godzilla is that it is completely joyless. At least the 1998 Roland Emmerich version had Jean Reno attempt an Elvis accent to get past security. But what this version has in spades is atmosphere. The effects have inevitably gone up a couple of gears, and the film is at its best when Godzilla is letting rip. Ok but here's the rub and this is where the film falls down for me.

PLOT HOLE

There is a scene where the bus driver wipes away the condensation on his window with the palm of his hand. It completely took me out of the movie. Wiping away condensation with the palm of your hand will only compound the issue as it will leave unsightly smudges once it dries and the grease applied from the skin of your palm will allow it to fog up quicker. You think that a Bus Driver of all people would know the simple science behind wiping condensation away from his window, resorting to his sleeve, a nearby rag or an OAP's handbag.

It would also be remiss of me if I didn't pay notice to how annoying the character Dr Ishiro something or other, played by Ken Watanabe is. He is the Japanese geezer from Inception and Batman Begins. You can't miss him in this as it's not a particularly nuanced performance from our Ken. His main role is to look away from the camera with an expression of surprised constipation. Considering he had been studying Godzilla for 15 years you think he'd be a little bit more insightful in a crisis like this. However when the proverbial fecal matter hits the fan, our Ken is about as useful as nipples on a mannequin.

Jean Reno doing a little funny

TOMATO METER 73% (critics)

TOMATO METER 75% (audience)

PETER METER 78%

MY COUSIN VINNY

Yes a timely review of My Cousin Vinny. I borrowed it off my mate Brendan who collects dead people. Joe Pesci really does have a bit of range doesn't he? He can do a bit of humour in this and the Lethal Weapon series, yet he can scare the bejeezus out of you in films like JFK and Casino. It's light on its feet, it has a couple of throw away gags and it completely comes off the rails at the end. But it was sweet, charming and Marisa Tomei provides some decent eye candy.

TOMATO METER 84% (critics)

TOMATO METER 47% (audience)

PETER METER 73%

VERDICT

Has anyone seen Before the Devil Knows You're Dead? I saw it once years ago and haven't heard anyone mention it since. I remember being completely gripped by it. Especially in the opening minute of the film when Marisa Tomei gets banged by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I have included the clip for your viewing pleasure. And for mine. So WATCH Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and NOT Godzilla OR My Cousin Vinny.

Best opening to a film ever

Anchorman 2 v Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Last night I sat down with my buddy  and watched..

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot summary

Ford, Lucas and Spielberg refuse to leave any money on the table. Unlike Guns and Roses that left an insane amount of money on the table by taking a writing and touring hiatus for the best part of 15 years.  However the team behind the Indiana Jones saga clearly thought 'lets not make the same mistake as the Guns and Roses. Lets rinse this cash cow and pretend its what the fans want.' 

Blanchett, so divisive. 

My buddy Paul and I spent about thirty minutes deciding whether we'd bang Cate Blanchett. HAHAHA Ladies don't get all self righteous, all guys have this existential discussion at some point and yes we know that if Cate Blanchett walked in any room we'd all drop our jaws, get our tiny willy's out and cry. However we never really concluded whether we would or not. So the jury is still out on that hot button topic. As for the film, well it keeps the ridiculous yet fantastically exaggerated snare sound used for when Indiana punches anyone. Honestly that was a highlight for me. There's about 30 minutes of a good film in there which makes it passable, however where it fails is the inclusion of aliens and all that Lucas bollocks. It hasn't got the charm of its predecessors, but it's by no means a failure.

Tomato Meter - 78%
Tomato Meter - 54%
Peter Meter     - 71%

The other week I went to the cinema alone and caught..

Anchorman 2 The Legend Continues

Plot Summary

The octagon under wraps

The band is back together again. The heart of the film is centered around what we really class as news. 

The original was probably one of the best and most quotable comedies since Airplane. However this film isn't as quotable but there are some genuine belly laughs. It is a little sad to go to the cinema alone, especially a comedy. However I employed my usual tactics of remaining close to a tiny group of misfits whilst entering, leaving a coat on the adjacent seat and putting the drink in the far holder, and sliding smoothly into a tight huddle of people on exiting as if trying to give the FBI the slip.

Tomato Meter - 75%
Tomato Meter - 64%
Peter Meter     - 79%


VERDICT

As it is Shirley Bassetts birthday today I thought I would treat you all to a little bit of vintage Bassey. I could have been predictable and gone down the Goldfinger or Diamonds are Forever route, but for any aspiring singers out there, sit down and take note. She really throws the kitchen sink at this and it's just incredible. I have actually seen her sing live and the Royal Albert Hall and it was a privilege. Anyway, take 4 minutes out of your day and WATCH Shirley Bassey hit the high notes, and NOT Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull OR Anchorman 2.

Shout at the Devil v The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

The other night, I scanned the iPlayer and found a film that had one of my favourite actors of all time in. Roger Moore. So I thought I'd give it a bash.

Shout at the Devil 

Still love you Roger.

Plot Summary

Roger Moore embarks on a mission to murder a herd of innocent elephants. He then shacks up with some hispanic looking chick and oh god its all over the place.

If I was to pitch an idea to you that Roger Moore and Ian Holm team up and knock the fuck out of some Germans during the first world war, you'd be salivating from every orifice. What can possibly go wrong? Well you can make it over 2 and a half hours long, you can cast Lee Marvin channeling James Coburn instead of casting James Coburn, and you make Ian Holm a mute. This was baggy and the tone shifted all over the place from jovial punch ups to dead babies. I gave up halfway through, sorry Roger.
I just couldn't take any Moore. Fuck you that is a fair to middling gag.

Tomato Meter - 60% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 33% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 40% 

So last night I took the family to see.. 



The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Plot Summary

Ben Stiller decides to make a cinematic brochure of Greenland, Iceland and the Himalayas. The plot falls down though when the love interest goes onto explain the meaning of Major Tom. No woman on earth would be able to tell you the meaning of a Bowie song. NO WOMAN!

Shark surfing.

Does anyone know if Jim Bowen is alive? That was the hot button topic around the Brooker Christmas table this year. I still haven't bothered to google it. I was so confident that he was alive that I bet £100 with my brother. We didn't shake on it and we were hammered, but still, it would be interesting to know.
Anyway on to the review
It was a real treat for me to take my mum and niece to the cinema, it's an annual experience that is enjoyed every Boxing day. (By the way the 'ann' part of anniversary means annual, as in yearly. So all you kids in relationships that are celebrating your 3 month anniversary, it doesn't exist. There is no such thing because it is not an achievement).

You cannot help but get swept up in the good will in this film. I predicted every turn, not least because I had seen the feature length trailer a dozen times. But just because it was ultimately predictable, didn't make it any less remarkable, and seeing the cogs work so beautifully gave my over active tear ducts a real work out.

Tomato Meter - 47% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 79% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 88%


VERDICT

Jim Bowen is still alive. I just googled him, well that's marvelous news isn't it. Especially as I watched old episodes of Bullseye over Christmas on the Challenge channel. He was on fire back in them days Bowen. He had wonderful one liners. When one contestant said his best friend was a Rooster, Bowen came right back with 'So how big is your cock?' He had great improvisational skills I thought. Here is a little clip of him dealing with an almighty googly from one of the contestants. So WATCH Bowen on Bullseye and NOT Shout at the Devil OR The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Gravity v Rescue Dawn

Friday night

So I have been listening to these Zen podcasts about how to get out of your comfort zone and experience new things. So I went to my sisters BBQ and met a load of new people. I hung around a group of guys and listened to them talk about when best to put winter tires on there 4x4's, and what airports have the best parking facilities. I don't think I spoke for about 15 minutes. Finally my sister called me into the kitchen and asked me to cut up some finger rolls in preparation for the hot dogs. There I was, playing my role as butler when it occurred to me how hilarious it would be to pack one of the finger rolls with my own wiener. I could deliver the tray at groin height and cover the faux-wiener with coleslaw and shredded lettuce and surely hilarity would ensue. So I prepped the dogs and gave the boy a couple of taps to make sure it would sufficiently fill the bun. Just then a small child ran into the kitchen asking me when the hotdogs would be ready. A sudden panic rushed through me and I realized in an instant how this gag could suddenly backfire very quickly. Imagine the headlines this innocent party trick would create should the child unwittingly pick the wrong dog in my game of wiener-roulette. So I dished out the dogs in a grown up manner, listened to a bit more chat about winter tires and left very early. On the way home I passed the cinema and popped into watch Gravity.

An example of Gravity

Plot Summary

Sandra Bullock does multiple backflips and somersaults and then bumps into Bruce Willis stranded on an asteroid. Only kidding.

This movie proves why the Bechdel test is pointless and flawed. For the uninitiated, The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. I think this test is bullshit for a couple of reasons. I don't sit down and watch Beaches and say, 'hey, this film is just a bunch of women sitting around talking about their periods. Where are the guys talking about their winter tires and their allen wrenches?' Clearly some films are targeted for different genders, it doesn't make them sexist. This film doesn't pass the test, and the protagonist of the movie is a woman that is highly driven, educated and happens to be in every scene of the film. So yes, Pulp Fiction fails the Bechdel test, so do all the Star Wars films, but for me this is just one of those things, let the guys have their science fiction flicks and their gentlemen clubs, women join the party if you like but don't go calling us sexist. It's unlady like. I have seen this film twice now and it is a must for 3D.

Tomato Meter - 97% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 87% (audience)
Peter Meter - 96%

Sunday night

I trawled through the iPlayer and found Rescue Dawn.

Plot Summary

Christian Bale gets trapped in a Vietnamese prison and has to sleep next to a guy who shits himself every night. 

Connery playing a Spaniard with a Scottish accent

I haven't heard of this one, what a treat it is for me these days to watch a film I know nothing about with an actor I enjoy watching. I don't want to do any spoilers but there is a fantastic beheading in this film. I was trying to think of films that have wonderful beheadings, of course Demolition Man comes to mind. Highlander is up there but the scene always makes me feel sad because Connery was such a great character in that flick. I want to feel a warm glow in my under belly after a good beheading, not melancholic despair. This has taken a turn for the weird, I better wrap this up.

Tomato Meter - 90% (critics) 
Tomato Meter - 73% (audience)
Peter Meter - 80%

Verdict

In the week I took a midnight drive with someone that I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to the top of Primrose Hill, smoked some cigarettes and played spot the Pedophile. It was magical. So WATCH the view from the top of Primrose Hill and NOT Gravity OR Rescue Dawn. 

Philomena v Thor: The Dark World

Monday.
I pottered down to the cinema with no idea of what I wanted to see. The options were slim. I chose Thor because I felt like that would be the one which burnt the least calories. I thought the first one was passable, I enjoyed Avengers, but I'm not sure I could really give two shits about a guy with a cape and a wooden mallet.  The guy behind the desk informed me that it was a 3D showing which meant I had to go all the way back to the car and get my glasses which was too much of an ordeal. So I plummed for Philomena.


Plot Summary


Judi Dench gets knocked up and the catholics sell her kid to some yanks. It sounds horrific but she jets off to the States to try and find him with a newspaper covering her expenses. So at least she got a free holiday out of it. 

Dench finally finds her clit

First off it was noticeable that I was the only under 50 in this screening and for the first ten minutes I was half wishing I made the journey back to the motor and got the 3D goggles. Especially as I could hear the bass of the film next door throbbing through the walls. People were getting the CGI feast of seeing a man with a cape disappear into the clouds through bolts of lightning, here I was in a bingo screening watching Judi Dench talk about her clitoris. Anyway it was clear from the off that this film was going to show up some horrible Catholics, which is just cannon fodder for me because I've never got on with them people. I dated a Catholic girl once, went to the church, waited in line for some body of christ cracker bread only to be told that I wasn't allowed any. I was starving, all I wanted was a bit of cracker and they told me to hit the bricks because I wasn't a Catholic. I wasn't anything! If they had given me a cracker then I would have signed up to whatever they were selling. Forget the pedophile priests, this was an outrage! So it doesn't show the Catholics in a good light, which had me onside from the start. It was actually quite moving although I felt something pivotal happened halfway in, and the film was airborne for about 15 minutes with it's legs flapping in the wind. But it landed safely and again as the credits rolled I wished I had the 3D goggles to hide my over active tear ducts.

Tomato Meter - 94% critics
Tomato Meter - 92% audience
Peter Meter - 82%


Wednesday
Well last night I did manage to get to see Thor: The Dark World with my buddy Paul.


Plot Summary

Chris Hemsworth takes his top off at about 15 minutes in. All the women audibly moan in sensual longing, all the guys instantly think they need to hit the gym, my buddy Paul just cries 'Oh for fucks sake'. 

I had forgotten how funny it can be to take my buddy Paul to the cinema. He is one of these guys that loves to give a running commentary and makes no attempt to whisper. My favourite line he gave once in a packed cinema was when Carey Mulligan said to Dicaprio in The Great Gatsby.

"I wish I did everything with you Gatsby." My buddy Paul said without missing a beat;

Even anal?

"Even Anal?"

Had me in stitches.
Just as Thor is hurdling over the Dark Elfs, slaying everything in sight, cape flapping, looking sexy etc. Paul just shouts. "I hope he has a titchy dick."

He even called people 'losers' as they walked back in to see the added scene that Marvel throws on after the credits have rolled.



Ultimately the film was just a bunch of empty calories. It wasn't joyless, I wasn't bored, at no point did I give a crap about anything going on. But then I don't think I ever expected to.

Tomato Meter - 75% critics
Tomato Meter - 86% audience
Peter Meter - 71%


Verdict

Well I've caught up with the latest series of Homeland, which is just all over the place. Incredibly disjointed, and poor old Mike is getting chucked from pillar to post trying to sleep with Brody's wife. I just hope he gets to seal the deal finally because he has certainly put the groundwork in. But I think this can be Mike's season. Lets all get behind Mike on Homeland shall we? So WATCH Mike seal the deal on Homeland and NOT Philomena OR Thor: The Dark World.


@thepeterbrooker

The Kingdom v Captain Phillips

The other night I found The Kingdom amongst my collection. Can't remember how it got there but I thought I'd give it a shot.

Plot Summary

Jamie Fox heads over to the middle east to find a naughty bomber. He keeps his sun glasses on throughout. It's like Ray basically, with machine guns. 

Piven, does good slime.

The film gets out of the blocks fast, the first 10-15 are explosive, literally. I was writing out my shopping list for tomorrow and I simply couldn't concentrate with all that was happening. As a result I went into Tesco later the next day and had to completely wing it. Luckily I'm a creature of habit and knew exactly what I was going to get. However a carefully prepared list does take the pressure off. This is another film where Jeremy Piven plays a slippery character drenched in slime. He plays it so well it makes me wonder if he has trouble attracting women in real life. The women Piven snares for sexual congress must first enter a terrible dichotomy of choice; Yes they can claim the bragging rights to sleeping with a hollywood A-lister, but at the cost of it being with Jeremy Piven, the actor who is primarily synonymous with slime. If you're a woman that's had a one night stand with Jeremy Piven, please write in and explain the thought process behind your actions.

Tomato Meter - 51% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 76% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 79%


Captain Phillips.

Plot summary

Erika Eleniak stays in the cake, Casey Ryback never makes it out the kitchen.

A water hose is no match for a semi-automatic

Well first things first. Tom Hanks is strutting around the boat barking orders, telling people to lock doors, go faster, slower, left, right etc. I mean there were many audible groans from the audience when at one point he told his crew to drink up their coffee and get back to work. It obviously hit several nerves and Hanks had a long way to come back from if he was going to win over the hearts of these anti-jobs-worth movie goers. Paul Greengrass the director has this knack of telling a story cinematically with incredible realism. One of the ways he achieves this is by having real Somalian pirates in the film punch Hanks repeatedly in the face. Only joking. People talk about Woody Allen having a return to form, but I think maybe Greengrass needed one more. Bourne Ultimatum was ultimately forgettable, even more so Green ZZZZzzzzone. But this was a hit and destroy if we are talking Battleship terms.

Tomato Meter - 94% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 94% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 92% 

Verdict

Well let me tell you something. This is probably Hanks's best film since The Money Pit. It will get him an oscar nod but I've heard he won't win. Yes I am in the know, thanks for asking. However it isn't as good as The Money Pit and not many films are. If you want to see some exquisite Hanks acting then watch him laugh in the clip I have dug out for you. A real treat i promise you. So WATCH Tom Hanks laugh in The Money Pit, and NOT The Kingdom OR Captain Phillips.

Escape Plan v The Man Without a Face

Escape plan

Plot Summary

Daniel Caviezel played The Count of Monte Cristo once. Dumas's fictional character that was wrongfully imprisoned for a over decade. Well now it's his turn. He wrongfully imprisons Sly and Arnie and he loves it.

I saw Batman and Rocky 4 at this cinema.

I saw Rocky 4 at the Granada theatre in Bedford when I was 6 years old. It was one of the biggest in the country and had nearly 2000 seats. It had a stage pit where a Wurlitzer organ emerged slowly and played for 20 minutes before each feature. It was also home to concerts back in the day. My Dad said he saw Hendrix play there and told me he was shit. But this coming from a guy that thinks Cliff Richard is the best rock n roll star to have ever lived. Anyway I digress. The point is, Sly Stallone was scorched into my psyche at a very young age and I thank God that I grew up watching the best action stars that have ever been. I saw the likes of Schwarzenegger shoot a mini gun from a high rise. The kids of today have charisma vacuum The Rock and Channing Tatum who blinks when he fires a gun. On the subject of Escape Plan, I announced early in the week that I have changed amaze-balls to tits balls. And this film is the tits-balls.
Though when is Sly going to allow a little grey at the side of his temples? He must be having a grey hair stand off with McCartney. Which one is going to budge first?
By the way the Granada was flattened in 1989, it's now a car park I believe. A building that survived the war, that was gigged by Hendrix and The Beatles is now a car park. Wonderful.


Tomato Meter - 45% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 95% (audience)
Peter Meter     -  90% 


So I caught The Man Without a Face on the iPlayer earlier in the week. Which is a bit cruel, and misleading. He does have a face, and half of it ain't bad.

Plot Summary

Harvey Dent is living in exile after rumours abound that he interfered with a kid back in the day.  

Don't ever google man without a face

This film isn't that bad. A strange inquisitive boy wants to be taught Shakespeare and finds a friend in
freaky face Gibbo. It has a slice of Scissorhands in there without the charm, and when Gibbo tells his new student to dig a hole it took me right back to my 'wax on wax off daniel-son' days. Why are all teachers so intent on being mysterious and oddball? The curriculum is there for a reason you know.

Tomato Meter - 67% (critics)
Tomato Meter - 52% (audience)
Peter Meter     - 75% 



Verdict

If you love a good Stallone prison flick like I do, you could go Tango and Cash or Escape to Victory, but why don't you treat yourself to the wonderfully under-rated Lock Up. I have included the football game scene which is just nuts. Billy from Predator plays the antagonist, a real brute. And even the big fella from Batteries Not Included pops up and has a go. SO watch Lock Up and NOT Escape Plan OR The Man Without A Face.